


Make My Wish Come True (Baby All I Want For Christmas Is You)

by larrymylove



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Baking, Christmas, Christmas Fluff, Established Relationship, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Relationships, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Getting Back Together, Getting to Know Each Other, M/M, New Year's Eve, New Years, Post-Break Up, Smut, Snowball Fight, at the end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-31
Updated: 2016-05-31
Packaged: 2018-07-11 10:54:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 29,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7046320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/larrymylove/pseuds/larrymylove
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis has just agreed to spend the holidays with his family, and to bring Harry along with him. There's just one problem...he and Harry have broken up, and are wanting to avoid telling everyone until after the holidays. The fake/pretend relationship AU with a twist.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Christmas angst in the middle of summer? Why not! I started this yesterday and I really wasn't expecting it to take on the life that it did. This was originally supposed to be a one shot, but it kept growing and growing it what it is now. So I hope you enjoy. It was a blast to write, and I hope it's just as much fun for you to read!

Louis Tomlinson was an idiot, was the thing. The biggest idiot in the entire fucking world. He could go down in history for this, really. Louis wouldn’t mind going down in history for _something_ , but being the biggest idiot in the entire fucking world really wasn’t what he wanted to be remembered for. It wasn’t exactly his fault though. He just hadn’t really known what to say to his mother when she rang him on the phone. Besides, though he would never admit it, despite being a grown adult with his own life, job, and place to live, his mother still scared him a tad. He didn’t really know how to say no to her. And now he was backed into a corner with no way out of this. Harry was going to hate him. Well, Harry already hated him, so it wouldn’t really change much then. But still, Louis wasn’t too keen on the idea of Harry hating him, especially not Harry hating him even more. 

But Louis knew he had to tell him. So he made his way towards the guest room at the end of the upstairs hall - though he supposed he should stop calling it ‘the guest room’ considering Harry had converted it into his bedroom almost two months ago. They’d roomed together at uni, and after graduating, they’d both moved into the house they’d found for a reasonable price. They’d lived there since, for the last five years. And it was home, or it used to be once upon a time. Louis wasn’t going to move out, and apparently, neither was Harry. It wasn’t the best arrangement, but it’s what they had to work with at the moment. Louis pretended it didn’t still ache that Harry had his own room - his own bed - for the first time in ten years. He tried to pretend that it didn’t still completely shatter his heart that he didn’t have Harry’s soft warmth shoved up next to him at night. Louis tried to pretend a lot of things. He failed at pretending each time. 

He reached Harry’s door, raising his fist to knock. A soft little, “Come in,” sounded from behind the door. Louis turned the knob of the door, remembering there once being a time when neither one of them would knock. Personal space, boundaries, it hadn’t been a thing to them. Not for the last ten years anyway. 

“Hi,” Louis said, lifting a hand to tug at his fringe, “Um, can we talk real quick?”

“Uh, yeah,” Harry dog-eared the page of his book he was on, setting the book aside on the nightstand, “What’s up?”

“I just got off the phone with me mum. She wanted to double check that we were coming to theirs for Christmas.”

“Oh,” Harry blinked.

“Yeah.”

“What’d you say?” Harry asked, his face looking a tad pained.

“I um...I said yes.”

Harry’s mouth dropped open slightly before he said, “Oh.”

“Yeah,” Louis winced, wanting to melt into a puddle on the carpet, “I mean, we did agree that we weren’t going to tell our families about the split until um...until after the holidays. I should have come up with something though...shit. I’m sorry, Harry. You don’t have to come along. We can just say you’re spending Christmas with your family this year…”

“They’re on that cruise, remember?” Harry took a little breath, “Mum, Gemma, and Robin. They’ve had tickets for months for the three of them.”

“So...you don’t have anywhere to go for Christmas then?” Louis’ heart hurt a tad at the thought of Harry spending Christmas alone. Actually, it hurt a fucking lot at the thought of Harry spending Christmas alone. Harry loved Christmas. It was his favorite holiday - loved the decorations and the baking and just the whole atmosphere of it all. Louis really, really didn’t like the idea of Harry being alone.

“I was just going to stay here,” Harry shrugged apathetically, but Louis could see the hurt on his face, the loneliness to his eyes, “Bake some cookies maybe, watch some Christmas films.”

“Well that’s stupid,” Louis said before he could stop himself.

“Well no one asked you,” Harry bit back, turning to stare straight ahead out the bedroom window.

“You’re not spending Christmas alone, H. We’ve spent Christmas together for the past ten years….”

“Well things change.”

“Do I know it,” Louis mumbled, rolling his eyes before saying, “Look. You have no one to spend Christmas with. I already told my mum you were coming with me to Donny. You don’t have to spend it alone. We can go to Donny together and have me mum’s roast and potatoes and see the girls and…”

“Louis stop,” Harry held up a hand. He turned to face Louis, anger flaring in his eyes, “Do you think that’ll somehow make it easier? Let me see the girls and your mum and Dan one last time before I never see them again? Before you tell them we’re over and that’s that?”

“Harry,” Louis’ face crumbled, he hadn’t thought of that, “I didn’t...I didn’t mean it like that. I just didn’t know what to tell her, H. She sounded so excited about us coming for the holidays. She kept going on and on about how excited she is for you to sample her new sugar cookie recipe. I couldn’t tell her, H. I just couldn’t. And we agreed we’d tell everyone after the holidays. That we wouldn’t want to spoil anyone’s holiday with our...news. So I just froze and said yes, of course we’d be there. And she prattled on and on about seeing you and I just…”

“Hey,” Harry swung his legs over the edge of the bed as he stood up and walked over to Louis, “We’ll go, okay.”

“What?” Louis blinked, lifting his head to meet Harry’s eyes.

“We’ll go,” Harry said again, “It’ll be nice to see them one last time. And it would beat being here alone. We can go. Together. And then after the new year, we can let everyone know.”

“Right,” Louis nodded, “But you do realize that this means that we’ll have to pretend to still be together, right? I mean, if that makes you uncomfortable at all…”

Harry took a sharp breath, “We’ll manage. Don’t worry over it, Louis. I know how your mum is. You can’t say no to her. You wouldn’t want to. Let’s just...let’s go and have a nice time with your family. Then, we can come back here after the new year and I’ll actually start looking for a place and we can break the news to them that it just didn’t work out.”

“Wait...what do you mean looking for a place?”

“Well I can’t stay here,” Harry raised a brow as if that’d been obvious, “Louis, you really didn’t think I was going to stay here, did you? I wanted to wait until the new year to contact a realtor and start looking for places. But you really didn’t think I’d be living in your home forever, did you?”

“It’s not just my home,” Louis mumbled, pulling away.

“Well, no. But it’s just...it wouldn’t be right of me to stay here,” Harry frowned and Louis hated seeing the crease between his brow, wanted to reach up and smooth it out with his thumb, “It’d be weird, Louis. It’s _been_ weird.”

“It hasn’t.”

“It has,” Harry stepped back, walking back towards the bed, “You and I under the same roof isn’t working, Louis. We can’t live like this and you know it. Once we get back from holiday with your family, I’ll start looking for a place of my own. Now then, don’t worry about your mum. It’ll be fine. We’ll go together, and we’ll try hard to have a nice time together. I want to finish this chapter now,” he said, lifting his book from the nightstand. And that was that then. Harry was telling Louis to go. 

“Right,” Louis nodded, “Well, I’m planning to drive to Donny on Friday.”

“Alright.”

“Does that work for you?”

“I said ‘alright’ didn’t I?” Harry asked.

“Right,” Louis nodded again, “Okay then.”

He didn’t know what else to say - there really wasn’t anything else to say. Harry had dismissed him, and that was that. Louis left Harry’s room, shutting the door behind him. He walked across the hall to his own room - their room. He opened the door, shutting it behind him, before walking to the king-sized bed, and flopping down on top of it, burying his face in his pillow. He let out a shaky little sob, hating that after over a month, he was still crying while Harry was apparently unaffected. It’d been like that though, since the beginning. Harry had been so cold, so stoic as he’d told Louis he just didn’t feel like this was working out for them anymore. And Louis had felt as if his lungs were filling with water. And Harry had looked so, so calm. Louis hated him for that. 

“What do you _mean_ this isn’t working out anymore?” Louis had demanded, face hot and hands balled into fists at his side.

“It just _isn’t_ ,” Harry had said, sitting on the couch with his hands folded on his lap, “It hasn’t been working for a while now, Louis. We’re spinning in two different circles. And it happens sometimes. When people get together young, they tend to grow up a lot together, and when they get older, it just doesn’t work anymore between them. And I think that’s what’s happened here, to us.”

“I don’t understand,” Louis had started to pace, running his hands through his hair, trying to process Harry’s words, “What are you saying here?”

“I’m saying that this isn’t working for us - for me. I can’t do this anymore, Louis. You’re always, _always_ working ever since you got that promotion…”

“So this is _my_ fault?” Louis had shouted.

“No! No. That’s not what I’m saying here. I’m saying you’re life is different than it was when we got together. And mine too. Since the opening of the bakery, I’ve been busy too. And we just...we haven’t fit into each other’s lives like we used to. It’s not supposed to be like this, Lou. We aren’t supposed to circle around each other like this. We’re living two separate lives here. I see you maybe once a week. And that’s on both of us. Not just you. Not just me. And it’s not something I can do anymore. I can’t give you all of me right now, Lou. And you can’t give me all of you. And it’s just...it’s not what it’s supposed to be between us. So I think...I think we need to step back from each other.”

“Harry, what are you saying?” Louis was shouting now, trying to keep his voice from breaking, to keep the tears from falling, “Are you saying we should just end this? Walk away from ten years of our lives together? Just...be done?”

“I...I think that’s what we need, Lou. I think we need to figure out a lot of things on our own, as individuals, before we can figure things out as a couple.”

And Louis had wanted to slap him. Boy, did he want to slap him. He hated how Harry could sit there so calmly. It just wasn’t fucking fair. It wasn’t. Harry had thought about this, had time to plan what he wanted to say, had given it lots of time to think over and prepare. And Louis hadn’t had any of that. He’d been bombarded without any time or warning to prepare. And he felt as if all the air in the living room had been vacuumed out. He couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t think.

And that night, Harry had collected his clothes from the bedroom closet, carrying them across the hall to the guest room. And Louis had tried to stop him, had tried to pry the clothes from his arms, had cried and begged and plead for Harry to please just stop and give them one more chance - give him one more chance. But Harry hadn’t. He’d just calmly pried Louis’ hands from the hangers, and continued to move his things into the guest room. And that night, Louis had to sleep in a bed alone for the first time in ten years. And he’d cried, and cried, and cried. He didn’t think it was possible for a person to cry so much. Surely his body had run out of tears, right? Apparently not. Because here it was, over a month later, and he was still crying. Had Harry even shed a tear?

That had been at the beginning of November. They’d spent the past weeks circling each other, avoiding each other as much as possible. Harry cooked his meals first, cleaning up and making the kitchen spotless before Louis cooked his. Louis did his laundry first, bunching everything together into the washer so he could finish quickly so Harry could sort his six different loads. They barely spoke. They barely even looked at each other. Harry watched television in his new room, and Louis in his. They hadn’t even told their friends yet. And Louis had wanted to so badly. He wanted to call up Zayn, and sit in his lap and cry into the neck of his best friend while Zayn soothingly rubbed his back. But Harry had said they should wait. Said that it’d be better to wait until after the holidays. And Louis hated Harry even more for that - hated that Harry was depriving him of proper relationship mourning procedures. Louis hadn’t been able to tell anyone. He just had to bottle everything up until it finally got to be too much. And then he’d lock himself in his bedroom and cry into his pillow, and curse Harry to hell and back for doing to this to him. 

This wasn’t what it was supposed to be between them. They were supposed to last. Fuck, Louis even had a black velvet box sitting in his top dresser drawer that he’d been waiting to give to Harry when the time was right. Now the time would never be. And now they’d have to go to Louis’ family for the holidays, and pretend that things were fine between them. Pretend that Louis’ heart wasn’t completely shattered. Louis would have to laugh with Harry and tease him and probably kiss him under the mistletoe as if everything was just fine. As if they were the World’s Most Sickening Couple, just as they’d been since they were eighteen. 

Yes, Louis was the biggest fucking idiot in the entire world.

***

The week passed with Louis getting things together for their trip to Doncaster. He spent the week shopping for presents for his siblings, and of course for his mum and Dan. He packed his clothes and got everything as organized as possible. He wanted to make this trip as easy and as smooth for himself as possible. He didn’t really know what Harry was doing as far as preparations were concerned, again, they weren’t exactly speaking. But on Friday morning, when Harry came downstairs, he had his big suitcase in hand.

“We’re going for two weeks, not two months, H,” Louis said when he saw the massive suitcase.

“I didn’t have room for the presents in my other suitcase,” Harry shrugged, attempting to get the front door open.

Louis went to help, unlocking the door and pushing it open with ease so that Harry could get through with his suitcase, “You really didn’t have to get them presents, H.”

“I always do,” Harry said, setting the suitcase down by the car as Louis popped the trunk.

“True, but you know you didn’t have to do this this year. We could have just said my presents were from the both of us.”

Harry heaved the suitcase into the trunk, “I like shopping for them, Louis. I don’t mind.”

Louis did though. He minded. He didn’t want Harry to do nice things like buy his siblings Christmas gifts. He didn’t want Harry to cause that warm, familiar feeling in the pit of his stomach. He didn’t want Harry to be sweet and kind and lovely. It made it harder to hate him if he was.

“Well, thank you,” Louis said, slamming the trunk shut, “It was nice of you.”

“Of course,” Harry shrugged, “Wanted to do something special anyway. Given that it’s um...the last Christmas I’ll be seeing them.”

And there it was, the anger. Louis felt his hands ball into fists as his nails imprinted crescent moons on the insides of his palms, “Why do you have to go and say shit like that?” Louis asked.

“What do you mean?” Harry blinked, “It’s the truth. I’m not denying the truth.”

“I don’t care if it’s the truth or not,” Louis snapped, “I don’t want to hear those things right now. We’re going to be on the road soon to spend the next two weeks together and we’re going to need to pretend we’re still in love and that we’re happy together and I just...I can’t have to telling me shit like that. And that’s another thing,” Louis was fired up now, and there was no backing down - he was on a roll, “how can you just be so casual about all of this? How does it not bother you? Ten years together and you act like this is nothing to you. That never seeing my family again, that this being our last Christmas together, is nothing to you!”

Harry wrapped the knee-length black coat tighter around himself, “Maybe I have to, Louis. Did you consider that?” Harry asked, his voice clipped and biting, “Did you ever consider that I _have_ to try to be apathetic about this whole thing so I don’t completely fucking break down? I have to hold it together, Louis. And I can’t hold it together if I let myself get emotional over this. It just is what it is.”

“You have no right to get emotional over it anyway,” Louis spat the words out as if they were a bad taste in his mouth, “When you’re the one that did this to us.”

“Louis…”

“We leave in an hour,” Louis said, turning to head back inside the house without looking back behind him. He couldn’t look back behind him - Harry would know the wetness to his eyes wasn’t just because of the stinging winter air. Louis headed up to the bathroom, locking the door behind him and grabbing a wad of tissue to hold to his eyes. He needed to pull it together. If Harry could be so apathetic, surely Louis could be too. He needed to pull himself together. In a few hours, they’d be in Donny with his family, and Louis would need to pretend harder than he’d ever pretended in his entire life. He needed to pull himself together to do so. He couldn’t keep breaking down like this. Harry wasn’t breaking down. Harry was holding it together. So why couldn’t Louis?

And what the fuck had been Harry’s comment about having to keep himself from being emotional? Harry wasn’t allowed to be emotional about this. Harry wasn’t allowed to be upset. Harry was the one who’d done this. Things had been fine between them. Not perfect, but fine. And then Harry had gone and ruined all of that in the matter of a single evening. And Louis knew they had needed to work on things, but that didn’t mean just throwing in the towel and walking away from each other. Harry had chosen to quit. Why couldn’t Louis just as easily chose to quit as well? Why was it so much harder for him? And why had it been so easy for Harry in the first place? 

When it was time to go, they met downstairs by Louis’ car. Louis unlocked the car and slid into the driver’s seat, turning on the car and adjusting the heating before flicking through the radio, trying to find something good to listen to. Three hours in the car with Harry. He needed some good music to distract himself.

“I’m sorry for earlier,” Harry said quietly. He was sitting in the passenger seat with his hands folded calmly in his lap, though his knee was bouncing lightly as it tended to do when he was worried, “I didn’t mean to upset you, and I shouldn’t have said what I did.”

“It’s fine, H,” Louis said, trying to brush him off and focus his attention on the radio.

“It’s not though,” Louis knew Harry was pouting, though he didn’t dare look to check, “It wasn’t right for me to just say that so casually like that. You were right to blow up at me like you did. I’ve been pretty apathetic about things, and...I just want you to know that I’m not as apathetic as I try to come across, Lou. Really. It does...it does hurt me. But there’s nothing I can do about it. So I just try to brush those feelings aside. But please don’t think it means I’m apathetic about this. I do care. I care a lot that we’ve lost each other, and that I’m losing your family. I care so much. I just…”

“Stop,” Louis abandoned the knob of the radio, turning to glare at Harry, “In case you didn’t realize, Harry, you haven’t lost anything. I’m still right here where I’ve always been. You aren’t losing me. You’re throwing me away. You’re making a conscious choice to be done with me. Now then, I’m done talking about this. I really don’t fucking feel like crying again. So I’m just going to find us some music to listen to, and then we’ll be off. And we don’t have to talk, or interact, until we get to Donny. So just sit there and…”

“What about the road trip playlist?” Harry blinked.

Louis frowned. Back in the day, they’d made a road trip playlist of all the best road trip music - as chosen by them. It was burned onto a CD, slipped into a jewel case with some funky cover Harry had colored with neon markers. Louis knew exactly where that CD was. It was in the glovebox with his other CDs. But there were ten years of memories belting out those songs, giggling with Harry in that CD. And Louis wasn’t sure he could face those memories right now.

“It might be good,” Harry continued, “To get us in the mood for these next few weeks.”

“You think?” Louis scanned Harry’s eyes with his own, focusing on the gold flecks in the green.

“Yeah,” Harry nodded, his eyes earnest, “I mean, we do have to pretend that we’re still together. I say we start pretending now. It’ll make it easier for when we get to your mum’s. We can work past the discomfort of it here in the car together before we get to Donny. Put the CD in. We’ll listen to the music and sing along and start with our pretending right here, right now. Just the two of us. It’ll make it easier, I think.”

“Oh, okay,” Louis nodded shakily. He supposed that Harry did have a point. They could get past a lot of the awkwardness here alone rather than around his family. It would break the ice a bit, so to speak, to start their game of pretend now.

“So, it’s in here then?” Harry popped open the glovebox as if it were nothing.

“Somewhere in there. Probably buried under your hipster CDs,” Louis scoffed, surprised at how easily the comment flowed from him. It’d been almost two months of no banter between them. Now that Louis was given the green light to tease, it came easier than he’d thought.

Harry sucked his lips to keep from smiling, though the dimple in his cheek popped anyway, “You so sure about that, Lou?” Harry asked, “Because I have maybe _two_ CDs in here, the rest are all your Taking Back Sunday and Brand New CDs. I’m sorry. I didn’t realize we went back to being nineteen.”

“Those are _classics_ ,” Louis snorted, “Not that you’d know.”

“Blink 182, really?” Harry held up Louis’ Blink 182 Greatest Hits CD.

“Again, classic. Now, are you just going to take the piss out of my excellent music choices all day, or are you going to find the damn road trip CD so we can get on the fucking road already?”

“Found it!” Harry pulled out the CD. The jewel case was slightly cracked and one hinge was completely broken so the cover hung funnily to the side. His neon-markered cover was faded from the years of the CD case being left out in the sun, but Harry was smiling at the CD as if it were the most treasured item in the world, “It’s certainly been well-loved, huh?” He asked, stroking the cover.

“Well obviously. Pop it in, H. I told me mum we’d be there before dinner. I don’t think she’d take too kindly to us showing up two hours late because you insisted on taking your sweet time to find a single CD.”

“You could have at least started driving,” Harry pointed out, popping the CD into the dash.

“Without music?” Louis asked, affronted, “Have you gone mad?”

“You got gas, right?” Harry asked as Louis backed out of the driveway.

“Of course I got gas. What kind of question is that?” Louis asked.

“Just checking,” Harry smirked.

“Alright,” Louis huffed, “So we might have to make a quick stop at the station before we get on the road.”

“I _knew_ it,” Harry smirked.

“Shut up,” Louis rolled his eyes, still surprised at how easily this came for them. It’d always been easy for them - the banter, the bickering, the light teasing. But after everything, Louis had been so certain that all of that was done for. Yet here they were, as if nothing had changed. Louis had to remind himself though that this was pretend. They were doing nothing more than getting into character for the parts they’d have to play for the next two weeks. It was all just pretend, it didn’t mean anything.

Louis had to remind himself that it didn’t mean anything when Harry hopped out of the car to go get “road trip snacks” while Louis took care of the gas. And again when Harry returned, climbing into the passenger seat and shoving a huge plastic grocery sack between them filled with all of their favorite snacks and candies.

“You do realize this is just a three hour drive, right?”

“No road trip is complete without road trip snacks,” Harry smirked, pulling a Beef Stick from the sack, “And look. I got you your favorite road trip snack! Even though they’re absolutely disgusting and are probably made of cow tongue.”

“Oh shut up,” Louis grabbed the Beef Stick from Harry, “They are not made from cow tongue.”

“Some people say thank you, you know,” Harry dimpled as Louis bit into the beef stick.

“Some people also don’t call other people’s favorite snacks disgusting.”

“I believe my phrase was ‘ _absolutely_ disgusting,’” Harry giggled, opening his own snack, a bag of pizza flavored party mix.

“Ooh give me some,” Louis dug his hand into Harry’s bag.

Harry laughed, trying to feebly to swat his hand away, “You could ask you know.”

“Eh,” Louis shrugged, happily shoving a handful of party mix into his mouth.

Harry rolled his eyes, still laughing. And Louis couldn’t help but laugh too, around his mouthful of party mix. It felt nice - to laugh like this with Harry again. It almost felt just like old times. Which was the goal, after all, right? For them to pretend that nothing had changed between them, just for these next two weeks? Once they got back to London after New Year’s, things would go right back to what they’d been - worse even, because it meant Harry would be moving out. Louis felt his stomach dip at the thought. At least he still had these two weeks with Harry though. These last two weeks together with Harry. He was going to hold onto these two weeks, treasure them as best he could. Because at the end, everything would come crashing down around him. And Louis wasn’t ready for the walls to fall.

***

“Tell me about how it’s going at the firm,” Harry said casually as he popped a peanut M&M into his mouth. They’d been on the road for about an hour, quietly humming along to the music on their mix CD. Neither one of them had really said anything since getting on the road, and his question took Louis by surprise.

“What do you mean?” Louis’ brows furrowed together.

Harry shrugged, “I just want to know how it’s going for you there. Since your promotion.”

“It’s going well,” Louis tightened his grip on the steering wheel, not even able to recall the last time he’d talked to Harry about his work. Had it been since getting the promotion? Surely the last he’d told Harry hadn’t been that he’d gotten the promotion, and then nothing. Surely he’d talked about it since that.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Um,” Louis flicked his fringe from his eyes, “I mean, the promotion just mostly meant getting an office with more windows. But I’m able to do more on my own now. I’m head of the Sports Division. So I’m in charge over all the sports ads. I get to oversee what everyone under me is doing, and I get to chose my own projects, so that’s cool. I just finished up an ad campaign for Adidas that was really big.”

“Wow, that’s awesome.”

“It is,” Louis nodded, “It’s fun. A lot of extra work though. Since now it’s like not only do I have my responsibilities, but I have to oversee everyone else. Whatever they don’t get finished up, I have to take over before presenting to Angela for the final cut of it all. So it’s kind of a bit stressful. Sometimes I miss my little job as the sports writer for the magazine.”

“You miss writing,” Harry said, nodding understandingly.

“Yeah,” Louis admitted, “A lot, actually.”

He’d never really told anyone that before. A few years into working for Men’s Athletic magazine, Louis had been scooped up and moved to the advertising department. He was a good writer, but they had just lost one of their employees in advertisements and Louis had mentioned a creative idea during a meeting once. Before he knew it, he was working on ads for various athletic wear brands. And next thing he knew, he was being promoted to the head of the sports division. And Louis was overwhelmed. Ever since that promotion back in October, he’d hardly been home much at all - most nights, he spent at the office, eating cold pizza and trying to make deadlines. But it was good money. And at the time, he told himself that he needed the money if he wanted to have enough to save for his and Harry’s futures. It seemed silly now though.

“Can you talk to Angela?” Harry asked, “Maybe she can let you write again. You are a journalist after all.”

“I think she’s forgotten that,” Louis smiled sadly, “Maybe one day. I don’t know. It’s good money, and the position is an honor, really. I should be grateful.”

“You should be happy,” Harry corrected.

“Yeah well,” Louis shrugged, “You can’t always get what you want.”

A soft silence fell over the car before Louis had enough of it and decided to ask, “What about you? How’s the bakery going?”

“Oh, it’s going great, actually,” Harry brightened, sitting up a little straighter as he said, “We had a big wedding to cater two weekends ago. C-list celebrity, but still it was a huge deal for us. I spent forever on the damn wedding cake. The bride wanted five thousand edible pearls hand-placed all over the entire cake. Oh it was maddening!” Harry said, but he was smiling brightly as he said it, “But, it was the most beautiful cake! And she loved it and the wedding was a smash hit and everyone raved about the food!”

“That’s awesome, H. Really,” Louis smiled, happy for Harry.

“It got us featured in a wedding magazine, actually,” Harry blushed.

“Seriously?” Louis felt pride swell inside of him, “Harry! That’s fucking awesome!”

“Well, it wasn’t a huge magazine or anything…”

“Shut up, that’s still a big deal. Do you have the article you were featured in?”

“Um, yeah,” Harry blushed, squirming a little in his seat, “It’s in my desk drawer actually.”

“You should have shown me!”

“I uh...I didn’t think you wanted to see it,” Harry blushed deeper, staring at his hands.

“Of course I’d want to see it,” Louis frowned at that. He had been the one to encourage Harry to abandon pre-law and go into business school so he could study up to open his own bakery one day. Louis had been the one standing at Harry’s side as Harry cut the big red ribbon on his bakery door the day that Sweetcheeks Bakery had opened. Fuck, the bakery was even partially named for him, seeing as ‘sweetcheeks’ was Harry’s nickname for Louis when they were younger. Of course Louis wanted to know of Harry’s successes. It hurt him inside that this was something Harry had kept from him, thinking Louis wouldn’t have wanted to know.

“You were always just so busy,” Harry shrugged, “I didn’t want to bug you with it.”

“Are you kidding me?” Louis felt the words like a kick to the stomach, “H, I always to know stuff like that. Fuck, when we get home you’re marching to your desk and pulling out that damn article and you’re going to show it to me and I’m going to pin it to the fridge.”

Harry smiled a sad smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. At first Louis didn’t understand why he still looked so sad. And then it hit him. When they got home, Harry would be moving out. Louis felt as though the pit of his stomach had been filled with lead.

Harry laughed a wet laugh, reaching up to touch a knuckle to the corner of his eyes, “Only if your Adidas ad goes up right alongside it.”

Louis knew, just as Harry knew, that it wasn’t going to happen. Their words were just talk, pretend, imagination. But nevertheless, Louis swallowed down the lump in his throat as he said with a smile, “You bet.”

***

Fifteen miles outside of Doncaster, Harry asked, “So, how are we doing this?”

“What do you mean?” Louis asked, feeling his stomach dip. 

“Like...this. Are we going to do all the usual couple things we used to do? Or are we going to have limits? Limits might be suspicious, but at the same time, I just...I don’t know if it’s really healthy for us to fully act like how we used to.”

“Right,” Louis nodded, tightening his grip on the steering wheel and feeling rather nauseous, “Well, I mean, we’re usually attached at the hip. So it’d be weird and suspicious if we weren’t. So I think we should uh...be close. But maybe keep the kissing and things to a...um...basis.”

“Right. Special moments. Like under mistletoe and after gift exchanges.”

“Right,” Louis nodded, “Um...let’s just see this as acting. We’re characters, and we’re having to play parts.”

“Good idea,” Harry nodded, “I just don’t want to ruin anyone’s holiday. I know how my mum’s been about us, and yours as well. I don’t want to make them sad, and it’s going to. So I just want to avoid that until after the holidays. I don’t want to raise suspicions or make them think anything is amiss. I just...I want to give them a nice holiday.”

“Same,” Louis agreed earnestly, “My mum is so excited to see you.”

Harry smiled sadly, “I’m excited to see her. And the girls. And the twins.”

“Ernest was Joseph in the school navity,” Louis said proudly.

“No way!” Harry’s face lit up, “That’s awesome! What about Doris?”

“She played a sheep.”

Harry laughed a loud cackle of a laugh, “I bet she was adorable!” He said.

“She was,” Louis felt a sadness in the pit of his stomach again, “I should have shown you the pictures. I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s okay,” Harry turned to glance out the window, “I mean, it’s not like I have a right to know all those little details anymore. You didn’t have to tell me about the nativity, or show me the pictures.”

“No,” Louis shook his head. They were pulling onto his street now, and butterflies filled his stomach as he neared the house, “Listen, H. Look, I know we’re not...we aren’t together anymore. And I don’t know what that means for us. But for ten years of my life, you were a part of it. And you were a part of my family. And I don’t know what I’m saying here...but I guess I’m trying to say that I don’t want you completely gone from that. I don’t know if we’re going to be friends, or what once we get through this. But I just...I shouldn’t have not told you that. Just as I shouldn’t have not told you about the Adidas job. And just as you shouldn’t have not told me about the article. I don’t want to be shut out from each other.”

“We’ve been shut out from each other for a long time,” Harry pulled at a hangnail.

“Harry…”

“Well, it’s true. You told me about your promotion, and that was it. You never told me about your projects, or what you were working on. You didn’t even tell me they’d given you a new office. I just found that out today, Louis. And it goes both ways. I’ve been thinking of expanding the bakery into a bakery and cafe. And I didn’t tell you that either. We’ve been keeping things from each other for a long time, Louis. Long before the breakup.”

Louis put his car in park, staring straight ahead at the house that was covered in bright multicolored lights. A blow up Santa was in the front yard. Louis wanted to smile, wanted to feel good about coming home. Instead, all he felt was sadness. Harry had been right. They hadn’t started keeping things from each other because they were no longer together. That had started long before they had ended their relationship. And maybe that was just more nails in the coffin. 

“I’m sorry,” Louis said, clutching the steering wheel and still staring straight ahead at the house, “I should have told you, Harry. I should have told you more. I shouldn’t have just...I shut you out a long time ago. And I’m sorry for that.”

“I’m sorry too,” Harry nodded sadly, also looking out at the house before them.

“We should head inside,” Louis said decidedly, killing the engine.

“We should,” Harry nodded.

“I’m not ready for this,” Louis admitted, still making no motion to move from his place behind the steering wheel, “I’m not ready, H.”

Harry turned to face him, placing a gloved hand on top of Louis on the steering wheel, the touch was electric. They hadn’t shared a physical touch with each other since that day in November. Harry’s touch was like a jolt of electricity through Louis’ entire body. Harry looked just as stunned as Louis, but didn’t take his hand away. Instead, he pulled Louis’ hand from the wheel, placing it entirely in his own, and squeezing it. And Louis felt as if every nerve in his body was on fire as Harry brushed his fingers over the top of Louis’ hand before saying, “I’m not ready either. But we have to do this, Lou. We have to face them eventually. And it’ll be okay. We’ll get through these two weeks. And I’m right here beside you. It’s just two weeks, and then we can go on with our lives and finally start to heal and move on. It’s going to be okay.”

Louis knew Harry was trying to make him feel better. He knew Harry’s words were supposed to be reassuring. But they felt like little knives jabbing into Louis’ heart and reminding him of none of this was real, none of this was permanent. This was going to be over in two weeks. They’d move on in two weeks. Harry would move out in two weeks. And Louis desperately wanted to scream to Harry that no - he didn’t feel uneasy about having to play pretend. He felt uneasy knowing the playing pretend would have to come to an end. That’s what he wasn’t ready for. That’s what he didn’t want. Instead, he squeezed Harry’s hand back and said - 

“It’s just two weeks. We can pretend for two weeks.”

“Right. And then we move on.”

“And then we move on.”

 


	2. Chapter Two

Louis took a deep breath. He opened his car door before stepping out onto the driveway. Harry wasn’t far behind. They grabbed their suitcases out of the trunk before both taking a deep breath and heading up to the front door together. Louis pressed the doorbell, trying not to visibly shake as they waited for someone to greet them.

The door swung open and Jay greeted them with a massive smile. She was wearing a candy cane striped sweater with a red apron with a gingerbread man stitched on the front. As soon as the door opened, Harry and Louis were greeted with the smell of delicious foods wafting from the kitchen. In less than a second from opening the door, Jay was pulling them both into her arms, hugging them both and kissing their cheeks.

“Oh lovely boys,” she said happily, “I’m so glad you got in safely! We’re due to have a snow storm come in tonight, and I was so worried you’d be caught out in it!”

“We’re fine, Mum,” Louis smiled, kissing her cheek, “Safe and sound.”

“It’s so good to see you, Jay,” Harry said, kissing her other cheek.

“Come in, come in,” Jay pulled them inside the warm house. It smelled of cinnamon and nutmeg and peppermint and vanilla. Louis’ mouth watered. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see a fire roaring in the fireplace in the living room. Louis longed to go warm his hands by the fire.

“How was the drive?” Jay asked, helping them out of their snow covered coats and hanging the coats on pegs by the door, “Traffic wasn’t too terrible, was it?”

“It wasn’t bad at all…” Louis was saying when several loud voices squealed in unison -

“Louis! Harry!”

Louis and Harry both laughed as Daisy, Phoebe, Ernie and Doris ran down the steps to greet them. They were quickly bombarded by four little bodies pressing into theirs as hugs and kisses and giggles were shared all around.

“You cut your hair!” Louis gasped, reaching out to touch one of the ear-length blonde curls.

“The school,” Jay rolled her eyes, “Apparently it was against code to have it down his back. I was just worried when they trimmed it, it’d take away the curls.”

“He was worried he wouldn’t match Harry anymore,” Phoebe said, running her hand through Ernie’s curls.

“Aww,” Harry cooed, kneeling down to Ernie’s level, “Well I’m very glad we still match.”

Ernie giggled and reached out to tug on one of Harry’s curls.

“My curly boys,” Louis smiled fondly, scooping Ernie up in his arms, making him giggle.

Harry’s eyes shifted away, a pink tint that wasn’t there a second ago staining his cheeks.

“Only you two could cause so much commotion,” a voice scolded from the top of the stairs.

“Shut up and get down here and give us a hug then,” Louis scolded back as Lottie hurried down the steps to give Harry and Louis their hugs. She pressed a kiss to both their cheeks before saying -

“You wouldn’t believe it. All I’ve heard out of this lot all day was ‘when will Harry and Louis get here’ and ‘are they on their way yet?’ Unbelievable, really. You’d think you two losers were fucking kings with all the carrying on.”

“Lottie,” Jay scolded, “Not in front of the kids.”

“Sorry, Mum,” Lottie rolled her eyes, “She’s _convinced_ that these four aren’t going to inherit the infamous Tomlinson-Deakin sailor mouth.”

“It’ll be a miracle with you and Louis,” Jay rolled her eyes.

“You’re forgetting yourself too, Mum,” Louis smirked, squealing as Jay smacked at him.

“Hey now,” Lottie said defensively, “I was an innocent prior to this one corrupting me,” she shot a look in Louis’ direction.

Louis gasped, affronted, “I did not!”

“Oh please! You would whisper bad words in my ear and giggle when Mum would punish me for repeating them.”

“You say that as if I didn’t get my fair share of time-outs too for teaching them to you,” Louis reminded her, “Though how Mum could have the heart to put the two of us in time-out is beyond me,” Louis hooked his arm around Lottie’s neck as the two smiled innocently at Jay, the picture of angels.

“Ha,” Jay laughed, “Believe me, it was _very_ easy.”

“Harold!” Louis looked to Harry, “Please defend me here!”

Harry was giggling, trying to hide his smile behind his fist, “And why should I?” Harry asked, “When I myself want to stick you time-out half the time as it is?”

Lottie snorted, “Kinky.”

“Okay!” Jay clapped her hands, “Shoo! The lot of you! Into the living room. There’s Christmas movies on the telly, and I’ll come fetch you when Dan and I are finished preparing dinner. Now go, go!”

“Where’s Fiz?” Louis asked Lottie as they followed the little ones into the living room.

“This is why you should check your Facebook more, Lou. So out of the loop!” Lottie scolded.

“Can you please just tell me?” Louis winced, knowing he didn’t keep up as much with his family as he should.

“The little shit’s in _France_ , can you believe it! Some study program at her school. She gets to spend all her holiday in France with a dozen other students that got chosen. I’m so jealous! Do you know what I’d give to go shopping in Paris!”

“I doubt she’s shopping, Lot,” Louis rolled his eyes, sitting down on the sofa and plopping Ernie on his lap.

“Well she better be. What good is Paris if one isn’t shopping?” Lottie rolled her eyes, sitting on the floor with Phoebe and Daisy as they began to sort through one of Lottie’s makeup kits.

Harry sat on the couch beside Louis, lifting Doris up and setting her on his lap, “I heard you two were in the school nativity,” Harry said.

“We were!” Doris giggled happily, “I was a sheep.”

“I was Joseph!” Ernie interjected.

“Both _very_ important parts,” Louis nodded earnestly, “You can’t have a nativity without a sheep, or a Joseph.”

“I’m not allowed to be Joseph again,” Ernie pouted.

“And why’s that?” Harry asked.

“Because,” Ernie pouted harder before mumbling, “I dropped baby Jesus.”

Louis lost it. He began cackling as if it was the most hysterical thing he’d ever heard. The school’s nativity props were the same nativity props they had when Louis had been in school. And even back when he was in school, the baby Jesus was a bit of a disgrace. It was missing an arm and one eye was about to fall out. It was a bit horrific in all honesty. But in the favor of “tradition” the school kept him for every single nativity play they put on. And the thought of his little brother dropping the thing made Louis laugh hysterically. He had to admit that it felt good to be able to laugh like that again.

“ _Louis_ ,” Harry admonished, “It’s okay, Ernie.”

“Oh I know,” Ernie nodded, “I’m not upset by that. I just wanted to be Jospeh again next year. But it’s okay because you know why?”

“Why?” Harry asked.

“When I dropped baby Jesus, his other arm came flying off and rolled across the stage and Sister Mary Margaret let out this gasp and everyone laughed.”

Louis cackled again before raising his fist for Ernie to bump with his own, “That’s my little brother,” he said proudly.

“Poor baby Jesus,” Doris muttered sagely, making Louis giggle again.

“Were you ever in the nativity, Louis?” Doris asked.

Before Louis could answer, Lottie piped up, “Oh yes! Sister Mary Margaret made him be the Innkeeper because she hated him so badly.”

“Oi!” Louis grabbed one of the cushions off the sofa, tossing it at Lottie and hitting her in the head with it right as Jay walked in to tell them dinner was ready.

“Unbelievable,” Jay shook her head, trying to look cross in spite of the smile on her face, “I wasn’t aware I had six children under my roof. I was just coming to tell you that dinner was on the table, but I have a mind to send you two to bed without any.”

“Mummy no!” Louis cried exaggeratedly.

“Get your bums into the dining room then. And try not to cause any more tornadoes in your wake,” Jay smirked, picking the pillow Louis had tossed from the floor and smacking him on the bum with it as he passed.

“You,” she said, grabbing Harry’s arm, “Are my favorite adult son.”

“Hey!” Louis pouted as Jay pressed a kiss to Harry’s cheek. Everyone else had scurried into the dining room. Louis tried to ignore the stirring in his stomach as Harry blushed and kissed Jay back.

“Well I have to make up for this one, don’t I?” Harry shot Louis a teasing smile, dimple on full display.

“Oh he’s not so bad,” Jay pulled Louis against her with the arm that wasn’t around Harry’s waist, “You both are lovely, you know. The kids have been yammering on about your visit forever it seems. I’m so happy you’re both here. It shuts them up a bit, and I get to see you.”

“You know we wouldn’t miss out on Christmas with you,” Louis said, wishing his stomach didn’t feel as if it were filled with lead.

“This is our favorite place to be this time of year,” Harry agreed, and Louis felt as though he were going to throw up. It just wasn’t fair. This couldn’t be it, could it? It didn’t feel like this was it. But he knew it was. This was the last Christmas they’d all have together. And it made Louis so sick to think about. It wasn’t supposed to be their last. They were supposed to have a hundred other Christmases all together, and Louis and Harry were supposed to bring their kids along in the future years. This wasn’t supposed to be the last one.

“Come along,” Jay said, “Before the rest of the lot gobbles up all the food.”

Louis wanted to hang back, wanted to say a thousand things to Harry. Instead, he followed along behind Jay, Harry silently at his side. He caught Harry’s eye, and the two of them shared a smile. It felt like the first little smile they’d shared in such a long time - like the smiles they used to share in the reflection of the bathroom mirror as they’d brush their teeth, or the smiles they’d share when Zayn and Niall would tease them for being That Couple. Those little secret smiles that were just for them. Their eyes lingered on each other’s for a moment, searching each other’s as if looking for something hidden there, before Harry turned away. Louis turned away too, wanting to scream at Harry to stop - to just stop pushing away, to stop pulling away. Instead, Louis settled for running up behind Dan and wrapping his arms around his neck as he attempted to cut into the roast.

“You are a pest,” Dan grinned, setting down the carving knife, “Honestly.”

“You miss me, Dan,” Louis smirked, squeezing his arms a little tighter.

“Always. Harry, it's good to see you.”

“You too, sir,” Harry shook Dan’s hand before going around to sit at his usual seat - next to Daisy. Louis felt his heart break all over again as he sunk into his seat between Harry and Lottie. They ate their dinner of roast, potatoes, green beans, and pecan pie, chatting and laughing lightly. Louis wished he could shake the sinking feeling in his stomach - wished he could enjoy his meal without feeling as if he’d puke it all back up any second. As he glanced around the dinner table, watching Harry cackle into his napkin with his eyes crinkled in laughter at something Lottie had said, Louis realized that he’d have done anything to save this. If only he’d had some warning that things were ending for them, he could have fought harder. But maybe that was the problem. Maybe he shouldn’t have needed a warning. Maybe he should have fought without feeling like he had to. He didn’t have to work late on all those nights that he had. He should have come home more. There’d been plenty of nights he could have surprised Harry and come home early with take away. But he hadn’t. Because staying at work just felt easier to an extent. And Louis hated himself for that.

Harry said it’d been both of them, but Louis knew differently. He knew Harry only started working late when Louis had. He knew it was him who canceled the plans Harry had tried to come up with more often than not. That was on him. This was on him. He shouldn’t have needed a warning. He should have been fighting all along. Somewhere along the way, Louis had just stopped. Stopped everything - stopped being a journalist, stopped being a boyfriend. He didn’t know why or when his life had become the thing it had, but he wanted his old life back so desperately. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. Sitting beside Harry, watching him tease Daisy by pretending to steal bites of pie from her plate, making her giggle, Louis felt as though he was watching all this slip like grains of sand between his fingers. He was losing this, and the thing was, he wasn’t really losing this - he’d already lost it. And now there was nothing he could do to change it or correct it.

\--

“I think it’s past someone’s bedtime,” Dan smiled fondly as Ernie attempted to hide a huge yawn behind his tiny hand.

“This one’s too,” Jay nodded to Doris who was attempting to keep her head propped up on her little wrist, “Harry, Louis, would you doves like to put these two to bed please?”

“Oh um…” Harry brows shot up, surprised.

“Please,” Doris begged sleepily.

“Sure we can, Mum,” Louis pushed his chair back, picking up Doris in his arm, “Come along, little love. Harry and I’ll get you to bed.”

“You too,” Harry scooped up Ernie.

“Thank you,” Jay called as the two of them carried the sleepy children up the stairs to their shared bedroom.

“You’ve had a big day,” Louis said, brushing the back of Doris’ hair tenderly with his hand, “Haven’t you, little snow angel?”

“Mmhmm,” Doris hummed sleepily.

“You too, huh?” Harry asked Ernie, “All tuckered out from your big day, huh?”

“ ‘m not tired,” Ernie pouted, trying to fight it.

“Right,” Harry chuckled lightly.

When they reached the nursery, Louis kicked the door open gently with his toe. He walked Doris over to her bed, peeling back the purple duvet before setting her gently on top of the mattress, “Get all cozy, little bug,” Louis cooed as she wriggled under the covers.

“You too,” Harry said, tucking the duvet up around Ernie’s chin, “It’s supposed to snow tonight, so you need to get all nice and warm and cozy under your covers.”

“Can you stay minute?” Doris asked sweetly.

“Yeah,” Ernie chimed in, “Don’t go yet.”

“Well, I suppose we can sit a minute, eh H?” Louis asked, sinking down on Doris’ mattress.

“Of course,” Harry nodded, sitting on Ernie’s. The way the beds were positioned, his shoulder could just barely touch Louis’ if he turned the proper way. Louis tried to ignore the way his arm felt like a live wire with having Harry sit so closely to him.

“So it’s gonna snow tonight?” Doris asked, eyes wide with wonder.

“Yeah. It’s been snowing off and on for awhile now, but a big storm is supposed to come in tonight. The ground will be completely covered when you wake in the morning.”

“Will you build a snow angel with me?” Doris asked him.

“Of course,” Louis smiled, “I’ll build as many snow angels with you as you want. But not a single one will be as beautiful as you,” Louis booped her gently on the nose, making her giggle.

“I don’t want to build snow angels,” Ernie pouted, “I want to have a snowball fight.”

“Oh do you?” Louis raised a brow, “Because you’re finally old enough now for me to have a snowball fight with, and I don’t think you know what’s in store for you, little bro.”

“Harry’ll help me,” Ernie grinned, “Won’t you, H?”

“Of course,” Harry smirked, “It’ll be you and me against Louis and Doris.”

“And I think we all know who’s going to win _that_ ,” Louis grinned, pressing his nose to Doris’ cheek, making her giggle.

“We are!” She cheered.

“That’s right!” Louis grinned.

“Oh that’s what _you_ think,” Harry smirked, looking particularly smug, “But Ernie and I have _strategies_ , see?”

“You....strategize?” Louis giggled, “That’ll be the day.” 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Harry pouted.

“Just that for the last ten years, I’ve always kicked your little bum in snowball fights. And that’s not about to change tomorrow. So strategize all you want. But none of them have clearly worked in the past ten years, so I don’t know what you think will change tomorrow.”

“Oi!” Harry gasped, jaw dropping slightly, “You won’t know what’s hit you tomorrow, Tomlinson.”

“Doris,” Louis said, suddenly very serious, “Your big brother is going to teach you a valuable lesson here. It’s a lesson on fairness. Now, it’s only _fair_ that we listen to Harry and Ernie. In all _fairness_ , they could very well win. However, in all _fairness_ ,” a wicked smile crossed Louis’ face, “That’ll only happen in their dreams.”

“Oh, your arse is going down, Tomlinson!’

“In your dreams, Styles,” Louis grinned back.

“ ‘m sleepy,” Doris yawned.

“Oh well you better rest up then, little dove,” Louis kissed her cheek, “Gotta get your rest so you can have all that energy to totally thrash these two tomorrow.”

“They might win a round or two,” Harry told Ernie, “But only if we let ‘em, so get some rest little monster.”

“G’night, Louis,” Doris sang.

“G’night, Doris.”

“G’night, Harry,” Ernie smiled sleepily.

“G’night, Ernie,” Harry ruffled his hair.

Louis let Harry stand up from Ernie’s bed first, before standing and following him to the nursery door where Lottie was currently leaning, watching them with a fond look on her face.

“How long have you been standing there?” Louis whispered.

“Long enough to hear you think you’re going to win tomorrow’s snowball fight,” Lottie smirked, pinching Louis in the side.

“Oi!” He batted her hand away, “Don’t tell me you’re going to be on his side!”

“Of course,” Lottie slotted herself beside Harry as Louis shut the nursery door.

“Well that’s not fair,” Louis pouted, “That’s three against two.”

“If you’re as good as you say you are, big bro, you won’t need the extra help.”

“Traitor,” Louis shook his head.

“I’m off to bed,” Lottie laughed, standing up on her tiptoes to press a kiss into Harry’s and Louis’ cheeks, “Try to behave yourselves.” Before heading to her old room, she stopped and turned around, saying, “One more thing. I cannot wait for the day that you two make me an aunt. You’re going to be the best Daddies in the entire world.”

Louis opened his mouth to say something, but Lottie had already ducked into her room. Harry awkwardly took a step back from Louis, and Louis’ heart felt like a shattered ball of glass in his chest.

Harry turned his head to the side, trying to hide the way he rolled his eyes upward to keep the tears that’d filled them inside. Louis opened his mouth again, wanting to say a thousand things, but no words came.

“H…” Louis said feebly after a beat.

“Let’s just...let’s go to bed, okay?” Harry blinked away the tears, turning to face Louis with a broken smile plastered on his face that didn’t reach his eyes, “I’m just very tired.”

“Yeah, um. Yeah. You go on in and get all changed and I’ll go downstairs and tell Mum and Dan goodnight.”

“Sounds good,” Harry slipped past Louis, into Louis’ childhood bedroom. Louis watched the door shut behind him, wishing he could follow behind, check on Harry and make sure he was okay. Lottie’s comment had shaken him to his core, and he knew Harry had been just as affected. She’d been right was the thing. They’d discussed children in the past, both wanting to be daddies one day. They’d even talked countless times of what kind of parents they were going to be and how they were going to raise their kids. It’d be a house of no spankings, no yelling, lots of giggles and laughter and silliness. Each time they talked about their future kids - five was the last number they’d settled on - their faces lit up. Louis realized then, walking down the steps to the living room where his mum and Dan were - that they hadn’t discussed their future children in a long, long time.  Louis couldn’t even recall the last conversation they had had about Lucas, Lilly, Lucy, Leah, and Logan. The fact that he couldn’t even remember when they’d last talked about their future kids made him even sadder all over again.

Louis made his way to the kitchen, fixing a big glass of water knowing that Harry could never sleep unless he had a glass of water beside the bed, before going into the living room to say goodnight to his mum and Dan. He kissed their cheeks and told them to sleep well. Jay told him to be sure that he and Harry both slept well too, with a wink for emphasis. Louis had rolled his eyes playfully, trying to pretend he innocently had no idea to what she was referring, and again, trying ignore the sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. It’d been far too long since there was any intimacy between him and Harry. Longer than the break up, if Louis was honest. He knew sex wasn’t everything, but the intimacy between them had always been something they treasured. Until it’d just stopped. Just as there was no time for date nights or anything of the like, there had also stopped being time for sex that wasn’t just a quickie here and there. And while quickies were fun, Harry and Louis were experts when it came to all-night sex. Louis didn’t know when exactly they’d last had that. He thought maybe sometime in August, perhaps, was the last time they’d broken out their bag of tricks from under the bed and played all night. Louis’ stomach dipped, knowing how much Harry loved being tied up and teased and domed and how Louis used to love giving that to him. He hadn’t given that to Harry in far, far too long. Louis felt a flood of guilt wash over him. He didn’t know why he was finally just know being able to see it all. But being here, away from home, with Harry, he finally saw all the little things had lead up to the final backbreaking straw.

There was so much Harry needed in a relationship, deserved to have in a relationship, and Louis hadn’t given him those things. He’d become so focused on the department shift, his promotion, his new responsibilities at work, that he’d neglected the boy he was doing all those things for. What good was working hard for a promotion he didn’t even want, in a department he didn’t even enjoy, to save up for his and Harry’s future if there would be no his and Harry’s future because of it all?

Louis longed for a time machine. If he had a time machine, he could go back and tell Angela that no, he didn’t want to be in advertisements, that he’d taken this job because he loved writing and was passionate about journalism. He’d stay in the field he loved, working a job he loved. He’d come home on reasonable hours and surprise Harry with take away and romantic little dinners curled up on the couch under loads of blankets. He’d surprise Harry with morning sex and afternoon sex and evening sex and ‘just because I need my body on yours’ sex. He would ask him about the bakery, and drop in and surprise him at work on his days off. He’d treasure this beautiful, bright, amazing light of a boy who Louis loved with every single cell in his body, and he’d never, ever take him for granted again.

But there was no such thing as time machines.

Louis reached up to knock on the bedroom door.

“Come in,” Harry called.

Louis opened the door to find Harry standing in the adjoining bathroom, a toothbrush hanging from his mouth. His suitcase lay open against one wall, Louis’ still sealed shut against the other. He’d changed into sweatpants and a plain white t-shirt with a red stain on it that Louis remembered was from a cherry cordial tart they’d shared in bed one night. Louis realized then that he hadn’t seen Harry in his pajamas since he’d moved into the guest room. Louis set the glass of water down on the nightstand by his bed.

“Brought some water,” Louis said before walking to his own suitcase and beginning to unzip it.

“Thank you,” Harry spit into the sink, wiping his mouth on the towel hanging from the metal rack.

“Sure,” Louis sorted through his suitcase before pulling out a fresh pair of boxers, a t-shirt, and a pair of flannel plaid pajama bottoms. Harry came out from the restroom and Louis slipped past him, “Just gonna change real quick.”

“Right,” Harry nodded, taking a sip from the water glass.

When Louis returned from the bathroom, Harry was standing on his side of the bed, staring at Louis’ queen-sized bed before his eyes peeled up to meet Louis’. Louis came around and stood at his side of the bed, staring at his bed as well. It still had the Spiderman duvet on it..

“This is weird,” Harry said flatly.

Louis snorted, because of course Harry would make the situation even more awkward by saying so, “It’s weird,” Louis agreed.

“Very weird.”

A small smile tugged at the corner of Louis’ lip, “Fuckin’ weird.”

“You caught that,” it was Harry’s turn for a smile to tease his lips.

“Well yeah, you did just start quoting one of my favorite musicals.”

“So what do we do about this?” Harry asked, waving his hand out over the bed.

“Well,” Louis bit his lip, surveying the situation, “I _could_ be a gentleman and grab an extra blanket from the linen closet and take my pillow and sleep on the floor, giving the bed to you.”

“Yes,” Harry nodded, “But the snow storm tonight. It’ll get cold.”

“This is true,” Louis nodded, “And I’m partial to _not_ losing my toes to frostbite tonight, Harold.”

“As opposed to some other night?” Harry teased, dimple popping slightly.

“Snarky isn’t a good look on you, darling,” Louis folded his arms over his chest, “Am I sharing this bed with you tonight, or not?”

“I suppose I’ll let you share the bed with me, Lou,” Harry said, and Louis tried hard not to notice the way his cheeks pinkened at being called ‘darling.’ Tried to ignore the way his own cheeks pinkened at being called ‘Lou.’

“Lovely!” Louis said excitedly, clamoring into the bed and kicking his legs under the covers, “Considering that it _is_ my bed, technically, and all.”

“Oh hush,” Harry laughed, crawling under the covers as well.

They laid together, flat on their backs, staring up at the ceiling. Louis tried to focus his attention on one of his ancient glow-in-the-dark stars that was trying to peel from the ceiling with age - tried not to focus his attention on the fact that their arms were almost touching. He didn’t want to roll over, didn’t dare move. This was the closest he’d been to Harry in far too long. Louis was going to treasure this moment. Maybe it was too late to keep Harry, but Louis wasn’t going to continue on without treasuring every little moment they still had together.

He felt himself become emotional again, so to lighten the mood, he said, “If you snore, I’m kicking you off this bed.”

Harry gasped, affronted, “I do not snore!”

“Oh, but you do, love,” Louis smirked, “Proper freight train you are.”

“Oh shut up!” Harry was laughing as he kicked Louis’ shin.

“Ow!” Louis squealed, “Violence will not be tolerated without violence reciprocated,” Louis said sagely, kicking Harry back just as hard.

“Okay, okay,” Harry laughed, scootching away from Louis’ feet, “No more kicking!”

“You’re right,” Louis stilled himself, “The only kicking that’ll be taking place will be tomorrow, when I’m kicking your scrawny arse in our snowball fight.”

“I mean, you can _try_ ,” Harry grinned, dimple cratering into his cheek, “but I doubt you can.”

“Right,” Louis rolled his eyes, “I forget that you’ve got ‘strategies.’”

“I do!”

“Big talk, Harold. See if you can keep that up when you’re being pelted with ice.”

“You’re forgetting,” Harry smirked, rolling onto his side to face Louis, propping his head up on his hand, “I have an advantage.”

“And what advantage is that?” Louis asked, turning and propping up to face Harry too. He tried not to notice that their noses were practically touching.

“My height.”

“Oh, and do tell, Giant Oaf that you are, how that’s an advantage.”

“Well,” Harry giggled, “If you were to try to come up behind me and shove snow down my back, I’d hear you standing on your tiptoes and feel your scratching around trying to reach up, little one. But with me? I can just walk up behind you and easily shove snow down your back.”

“Oh Harold,” Louis t’sked, “You are going to be so dead tomorrow for that entire sentence.”

“Well, I mean, I’m not going to start preparing a final will and testament or anything. Not like you’re an actual threat...”

“Oi!” Louis squealed. Maybe Louis let himself pretend a little too hard, maybe he got a little too swept away. Because all he knew was that his hand had curled up to squeeze at Harry’s side, making Harry curl in on himself and giggle helplessly. Maybe he let himself make believe too hard that things could be what they used to be. But fuck it, because Louis was in bed with Harry pressed against him, and Louis was tickling him and making him giggle and yelp and roll into Louis, and Louis was going to treasure this moment - tuck it in his memory to pull out when this all came to an official end.

“Stop, stop!” Harry was giggling, his face buried into the front of Louis’ shirt as his fists punched lightly into Louis’ chest.

“Alright, alright,” Louis chuckled, “I’ll show you mercy, Harold. Only because I’ll be completely merciless tomorrow.”

“You’re a menace,” Harry giggled breathily as Louis’ hand stilled on Harry’s ribs.

“You say that like you’re just learning this.”

Harry pulled his head back and lifted his eyes to meet Louis’. They scanned each other’s eyes, still searching for that unknown thing from earlier. Louis felt the breath still in his lungs. He didn’t know what to do or say. But Harry was still tucked into him, and his hand was still on top of Harry’s side. And this might be the most intimate they’d been in months.

“You’re fun,” Harry said sadly, “When you’re actually around.”

Louis sucked in a breath, “I should have been around more. I’m sorry, Harry.”

“Me too,” Harry nodded, “I should have been around more too. I should have…”

“Stop, stop,” Louis moved his hand from Harry’s ribs to tuck into the back of Harry’s curls, “Harry, no. It’s me, okay. I should have been around more. You only started working more when I started not coming home. It’s on me, H. Not you.”

“I missed you so, so much on those nights you wouldn’t come home. I couldn’t stand being in that fucking house by myself all alone. I couldn’t do it, Louis.”

“I know. You shouldn’t have had to do it.”

“You wouldn’t come home,” Harry shook his head, “I would wait up until I couldn’t anymore. And I’d wake up in the morning to an empty bed and a text on my phone saying ‘sorry, i’ll be home tomorrow.’ I didn’t know...I didn’t know if you were working...or having an affair or…”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Louis pulled back, yanking his hand down from Harry’s hair, “Harry Edward Styles, tell me right now that you didn’t think I was having an affair.”

“Louis…” Harry’s eyes dropped to the Spiderman duvet, “...I didn’t know what to think. You wouldn’t come home. You’d say you’d be home for dinner and seven would come then eight, then nine. Then ten. And I’d wait up by the front door and then it’d be midnight and two and then three. And finally I’d just go to bed. You couldn’t even send me a text message to tell me you weren’t going to make it. So yeah, an affair did cross my mind.”

“No,” Louis shook his head, feeling his eyes prickle with tears, “No, Harry. _No_. I’d...I’d _never_. I fucked up, okay. I fucked up a lot. I was selfish and stupid and a mess. And you didn’t deserve any of the bullshit I put you through. I...I just threw myself into this job and the promotion because I thought I was doing the right thing. And when I’d focus on my work, I’d keep my cell on silent and not check it for hours. And sometimes it wouldn’t even cross my mind to check it, or to call…”

“Is this supposed to make me feel better?” Harry asked, anger flashing in his eyes.

“Just....fuck. Okay, I just got so swept up. And it wasn’t right. I know it wasn’t right. My work became my priority over you. Work I don’t even fucking like, is the ironic thing of it all. I hate my work and it became my priority over the person I love..d. And I’m so fucking sorry for that, Harry. I truly am. But I would never, ever, ever cheat on you. Ever. You have to know that. Please, please know that.”

“You may not have cheated one me with another person,” Harry bristled, “But you cheated. You cheated on me with your career, Louis.”

“I am so sorry,” Louis shook his head, not knowing what else there was to say at that point.

“We should go to sleep,” Harry rolled over and flicked off the lamp on the bedside table. They were alone now in the darkness. Louis felt sick, sick, sick to his stomach. He’d been such shit to Harry this past year. No wonder Harry was finally leaving him Louis would leave himself too, if he could.

After a beat of silence, Louis said, “It’d never have been another person, H. Ever. And it never will be. You are it for me. You have been it for me. And you’ll always be it for me. You were my first, Harry. And you’re going to be my last. It’d never have been another person, and it never will be another person.”

There was silence, and then a quiet little, “Goodnight, Lou.”

And for the first time in far too long, Louis said, “Goodnight, Haz.”


	3. Chapter Three

Louis awoke the next morning to a warm wetness on the side of his neck. He cracked open an eye to see that somehow, during the night, Harry had tucked himself against Louis, his face buried in Louis’ neck. And he was currently drooling on Louis’. Louis blinked, wondering if this was some sort of cruel dream. He reached a hand up to his thigh to pinch himself. Nope, he was very much awake, and he very much had Harry pressed up against him, drooling. 

Louis had no idea how to deal with this sort of situation. If he woke Harry up, Harry would be mortified, and Louis couldn’t have that. Finally, after some pondering, Louis came up with the genius plan to try to fall back asleep. That way, Harry would maybe wake up first and then could deal with this little problem on his own. Louis closed his eyes and was about to drift back off to sleep, but not before reaching a hand up and around to stroke at the soft, chocolate curls along Harry’s shoulders. Just as Louis was about to doze off, the bedroom door banged open and two little bodies began to jump on the mattress, startling them both.

Upon realizing they were tangled together, Harry and Louis both tried to pull apart from each other, however the task at hand remained to be quite difficult with Ernie and Doris bouncing on top of them.

“It snowed! It snowed! It snowed!” They sang.

“Oof, so it did,” Louis chuckled, trying to still Doris on his lap.

“We can have our snowball fight now!” Ernie body slammed into Harry.

“Whoa now,” Louis reached out to still Ernie, “Careful, kiddo. Remember Harry’s back, okay.”

“Oh, sorry,” Ernie frowned.

“It’s okay,” Harry adjusted himself back on the pillows, “How about we wait until after we’ve had breakfast before we…”

“He’s just trying to stall!” Louis cried out, tickling Doris, “Because he knows we’re gonna get him!”

Doris squealed, giggling, “Yeah! He knows we’re gonna win!”

“I just think we should have a proper breakfast before we…”

Louis grabbed Doris into his arms and hopped off the bed, “Last one outside is a rotten egg!”

“Oh my god!” Harry whined, but hopped down from the bed anyway, chasing after Louis with Ernie in tow.

“And just where do you think you’re going?” Jay asked as she met them all at the bottom of the steps. She was wearing a heavy flannel robe and was carrying a mug of tea in her hands, “It’s bitter to the bone out there.”

“We’re gonna have a snowball fight,” Ernie pumped his fist in the air.

“Yeah!” Doris copied her twin, “And Louis and I are gonna win!”

Jay laughed, “Well, alright. But you all four better put on something more than just your jammies to go out and roll around in the ice. If you two freeze my babies into icicles, I’ll skin the both of you,” she prodded Louis in the stomach while trying to stare down Harry threateningly.

“Okay, okay,” Louis giggled, batting at her hand, “Proper coats and boots and all that.”

“I mean it, Louis,” she said, “None of you better catch a cold.”

“Yes ma’am,” Louis nodded earnestly. He may be almost thirty, but the wrath of his angry mother was not something he wanted to catch. Louis pulled the twins’ snowsuits down from the pegs by the door, “Alright, you two,” he said, zipping them up before helping them with their boots, “Some ground rules, okay. Number one, _no catching colds._ ”

“Louis!” Jay called from the doorway, “Don’t be a smart arse.”

“Mum!” Louis gasped, scandalized, “Not in front of the children!”

“Harry,” Jay sighed, “Take him outside before I take out the out from the world the firstborn I brought into it.”

Harry laughed, “Yes ma’am,” he said brightly, doing up his own coat, “Louis. The kids have their snow suits. We should at least put on something more than just pajamas and coats.”

“Ugh, I suppose you’re right,” Louis sighed, “Alright, kiddos. You two wait here and be good. H and I’ll be right back down, okay. Promise, it won’t be longer than five minutes.”

Harry and Louis hurried up the stairs to the bedroom to change into proper snowball fight attire. They were in a hurry though to get back to Ernie and Doris that they didn’t realize until they were halfway naked that they were changing in front of each other.

“Oh,” Harry’s eyes bulged at the realization.

“Oh for fuck’s sake,” Louis rolled his eyes, “We’re in a hurry. We’ve seen each other’s bits a thousand times, H. Just suck it up and get your clothes on.”

“Right,” Harry nodded curtly, pulling on a heavy jumper over his head, “Hey Louis?”

“Yeah, love?” Louis asked, wriggling into a pair of skinny jeans.

“Last night...did you mean what you said. About never being with anyone else?”

“Oh,” Louis blinked, looking up from the button of his jeans, “Um, well. Yeah.”

“I-I just...I don’t want you to not find anyone else,” Harry frowned as he wriggled into his own jeans, “I mean, if you find someone you love and all that...like if you find the right person, I don’t want you to hold yourself back from that.”

“Harry,” Louis adjusted his jumper, smiling brightly as he said with complete conviction, “It’s just you. Always has been, always will be. Get that through your head. Now then,” the bright smile was replaced with a wicked one, “Stop being mushy in hopes of distracting me. I’m still going to completely thrash you out there.”

Harry’s cheeks turned a bright shade of pink, “In your dreams, Lou.”

Louis stuck his tongue out at him, “Head on down and keep the kiddos out of trouble. I have to wee and I’ll meet you downstairs.”

“Of course you do,” Harry rolled his eyes, “A bladder the size of a pea, you’ve got.”

“Oi! Out of here,” Louis tossed his t-shirt from last night at Harry as Harry ducked out the bedroom door, giggling.

Once he was alone, Louis retreated into the bathroom to splash his face with cold water and take a minute to himself to breathe. He had absolutely meant those things he’d said to Harry last night. Harry was it for him. He’d been Louis’ first, and he’d be Louis’ last. And Louis was okay with that, he was. There’d never be another person as right for him as Harry.  And then it hit him, staring at his reflection in the bathroom mirror. Maybe this wasn’t really it. Maybe it wasn’t too late afterall. Maybe he could still fight. Harry had left him because Louis had left him first. Louis had stopped caring for Harry - or at least in ways that showed Harry he did. Harry felt ignored and neglected, and Louis had done those things to him. They were unforgivable things, and Louis deserved to lose Harry for mistreating him in those ways. But Louis still had ten days here in Doncaster with Harry. Ten days to show Harry that he loved him still. Ten days to show Harry how precious he was to him. Louis’ stupid job had taken over things in his life. But he was away from work now, and he was going to use this time to treasure Harry. And maybe Harry would take him back. Maybe not. If he didn’t, Louis could eventually accept that. But he only had Harry for a little bit longer in his life, by his side. Louis was going to use every moment he could to show Harry just how precious to him he was.

Because that’s what Harry deserved. Harry deserved to be reminded every second of every day just how precious he was. And Louis had made it so Harry never had to question that in the past. But now he’d gone and muddled things up. And he was going to take this holiday, take these last few moments with beautiful, beautiful Harry, to show him that he did still mean the absolute world to Louis, and that he always had and always will. It was the last thing Louis could do. If he was going to have to pretend to be Harry’s boyfriend, he was going to be the boyfriend Harry deserved, the boyfriend he should have always been to him. The boyfriend he never should have stopped being.

***

“There you are!” Harry said as Louis neared the bottom of the steps, “I was about to send these two monsters up to get you.”

“Are you ready now?” Doris asked anxiously.

“Yes, yes,” Louis grinned, a feeling of pure joy washing over him as his eyes met Harry’s, “You’re going down, Styles.”

“We’ll see about that, Tomlinson.”

Louis’ heart skipped at Harry’s playful tone. Harry was smiling and dimpling and Louis couldn’t help but stand up on his tiptoes and poke right at Harry’s dimple as he’d done for years, “I might feel just a bit bad for having to wipe that dimple off your face, Harold.”

Louis’ poke at his dimple only made Harry deepen it, “We’ll see about that, Lewis.”

“Come on!” Ernie screeched.

“Right behind you, little man,” Louis said as Ernie swung open the front door.

“Wait, wait,” Harry called, “I think we need to do this proper. Show them proper sportsmanship. So we should come together here in the middle of the yard and shake hands.”

Louis thought it over, “Hmm, I suppose you have a point. It’s good sportsmanship and all.”

“What’s that mean?” Doris asked, tugging on Louis’ hem of his jacket.

“That you respect the opposing team. Let’s go shake their hands. Then we snowball fight beings.”

“Okay,” Doris said brightly. She and Louis walked to the middle of the yard as Harry and Ernie walked from their side towards the middle. 

“Hold up!” Harry held up a hand, “We’ve got an undone boot over here! That’s a safety hazard! Let me just correct that.”

Louis frowned as Harry bent down in front of Ernie to adjust his boot.

“They’re taking too long,” Doris rolled her eyes.

“Harold, hurry it up. We want to start his arse-whooping sometime today!”

“Alright, alright,” Harry stood from in front of Ernie, brushing his hands onto his thighs, “Let’s come together for the handshake. Then on the count of three, the snowball fight begins.”

“Right. Okay well, best of luck to you lads,” Louis jutted his hand forward, “Lord knows you’ll need…” he was interrupted as a large ball of snow collided right at his shoulder. It only took him a second to catch on. Harry - the little sneak - had cheated. He hadn’t been fixing Ernie’s boot - he’d been stuffing snowballs under the front of the windbreaker Ernie was wearing over his snowsuit. And when they’d come together to shake hands and show ‘good sportsmanship’ Harry had given the go ahead for Ernie to pelt Louis with the snowball. Louis was so going to get him for that.

“Doris,” Louis shouted as they ran to the other side of the yard, “This is _war!!_ ”

The four of them ran around the yard, pelting each other with snowballs. However, it turned quickly into Ernie and Doris just smooshing snow at each other, while Harry and Louis ran about and competitively tried to gain the upperhand. They shrieked and threatened and smashed snow into each other’s hair and coats. They were giggling like children, and Louis couldn’t help but marvel at how rosy and bright Harry’s cheeks were. His eyes were sparkling playfully and there was a sparkle to him - a life - that Louis hadn’t seen in far too long. 

“You ready to surrender, Styles?” Louis challenged, hitting Harry right on the left bum cheek with a large ball of slushy ice.

“Oi!” Harry turned, trying to examine the wet spot on the back of his jeans, “I’ll _never_ surrender!”

“Suit yourself, Harold,” Louis grinned, pelting his right bum cheek with an equally large, equally slushy ball of ice.

“Oh you are _so_ dead!” Harry shouted, racing towards Louis. Louis ran backwards, laughing as Harry lunged at him. He was paying more attention to Harry’s giggles and dimples and bright eyes and rosy cheeks than he was to where he was going, and he tripped backwards over an unlevel spot in the yard - falling flat on his bum. He let out a little yelp at the contact of his poor bum to the freezing, wet ice.

“Ah-ha!” Harry shouted, lunging at Louis and jumping on top of him, knocking him backwards, before proceeding to grab ice and rub it into Louis’ hair. Louis was giggling and yelping and kicking underneath Harry’s body, trying to get free from the giant oaf on top of him.

“Harry! Harry!” Louis was shrieking now.

“Do you surrender? Huh? Does badass Louis Tomlinson _actually_ surrender?”

“Oh shut up!” Louis was trying not to giggle at Harry’s ridiculousness.

“So that’s a no?”

“I’ll never surrender! Death before dishonor!”

“Very well,” Harry grabbed a massive handful of slushy ice.

“What are you doing with that?” Louis’ eyes widened in horror, already knowing the answer.

“Oh, nothing...” Harry grinned, rolling off of Louis’ hips but still pinning him. He rolled him easily onto his stomach, and Louis cursed that Harry was so much bigger than he was.

“Harry!” Louis squealed, “Don’t you fucking dare!”

“Language!” Harry giggled, sitting on the backs of Louis’ thighs.

“I swear to God, Harry. I’ll kill you. I’ll chop your dick off in your sleep!”

“Such language!” Harry t’sked, pulling Louis’ jeans down slightly on his hips.

“ _Harry!_ ” Louis squealed as loudly as he possibly could. Where was his mother? Surely a mother should come to the aid of her child - especially her firstborn - if he was screaming so loudly.

“What?” Harry asked innocently as Louis kicked his boots into Harry’s bum, “I’ll give you one more chance to surrender. Do you surrender?”

Louis actually thought about it for point-zero-three seconds. He wasn’t sure which was more a blow to his dignity, but he supposed surrendering would be. So Louis braced himself, wincing and clenching his teeth as he said, “I will never... _ever_...surrender!”

“Very well,” Harry said brightly, shoving the handful of slushy ice right down Louis’ pants, making Louis squeal like a stuck pig at the contact of freezing icy, water on his poor, poor bum. He hung his head in absolute defeat as Harry - the absolute knobhead- was giggling happily. And then, as if Louis hadn’t been completely humiliated as it was, Harry pulled his jeans back on his hips, smooshing the ice in place, and smacked him hard on the bum. 

Louis was _so_ not letting Harry get away with that though. He had a plan. It was a very good plan. Louis was the king of plans. They should give him a crown. He laid perfectly still in the cold snow, face pressed into his arms. He did his best to keep as still as possible.

“Lou?” Harry asked, kneeling next to him, “Louis...c’mon, Lou. Don’t be mad. I was just playing. I didn’t mean to make you mad. Louis? Louis?” Louis had to bite the inside of his cheek to keep from saying anything as Harry brushed gently at his hair, carefully getting the snow out, “I’m sorry, Lou. Shit. Please, please don’t be mad at me. Please, Lou. Say something.”

“Harry,” Louis finally said, keeping his voice level as possible, “I’m just going to say one thing to you. So listen carefully,” Louis bit down on a smirk before saying, “Revenge is a dish best served cold!” And hopping up from the snow, tackling Harry down into the icy powder and straddling him. Harry’s eyes went wide with complete surprise.

“You are _so_ not getting away with that without some payback,” Louis grinned devilishly as he rucked up Harry’s jumper, exposing his bare tummy, and grabbing handfuls of icy snow and holding them in place on Harry’s stomach, making Harry squeal now at the icy contact.

“Jesus!” Harry hissed, “Louis, Louis _no!_ ”

“Louis yes!” Louis grinned, tickling Harry’s bare tummy with his icy cold hands, making Harry squeal and screech and beg. The tickling turned into wrestling though, and the two of them began to roll around in the snow, both giggling and squealing like a couple of children. 

“Hate you so much!” Harry giggled as Louis shoved some snow into the crook of Harry’s neck. For the first time since November, Louis knew that wasn’t true.

“Oh you do not,” he said confidently, “Hey, H. Have I ever told you how much I love your curls?”

“Um…” Harry looked completely confused.

“There’s just one thing that’d make them even better,” Louis smeared handfuls of snow into Harry’s hair, “Snow!”

Harry shrieked again, rolling them so that he was now straddling Louis, and proceeded to shake the snow from his curls off and onto Louis’ face.

“You two!” A voice shouted from the house, “Over here _this instant!_ ”

Harry and Louis both froze.

“ _Shit_ ,” Louis hissed.

“Shit’s right,” Harry winced, hopping off from Louis and standing to brush himself off. Louis attempted to brush the snow off himself as well, feeling the cold wetness on his bum as he did so.

“Sometime today!” Jay shouted again.

Harry and Louis winced, making their way over to the front door with their tails between their legs. 

“I can’t believe you two,” Jay scolded, “Ernie and Doris had to come inside and tell me you two were shoving snow down your clothes. Getting wet, icy snow in contact with your bare skin. You two are going to catch your deaths if I don’t kill you meself first. Get in here right now. The both of you.”

Harry shot Louis a look, “You got me in trouble.”

“Me?” Louis scoffed, “You’re the one who pulled me pants down and shoved snow down ‘em. I was completely innocent up until that point.”

“Go around back,” Jay ordered, “Use the backdoor and meet me in the washroom. I don’t want you traipsing through my house in the state you’re in.”

“Yes ma’am,” the two of the mumbled, walking around together to the back of the house. They were silent until Louis chimed in, “As much as it pains me to say this, you aren’t half bad when it comes to a snowball fight, H.”

Harry smirked proudly, “Why thank you, Louis. I must say the same to you. You were an excellent opponent.”

“Gave you a run for your money, did I?”

“You really did,” Harry dimpled, “I am sorry about your bum though.”

“Oh please, you’re about as sorry for my bum as I am your stomach.”

“Sometime _today_ ,” Jay called, holding the backdoor open.

Harry and Louis trudged inside of the washroom. Jay had a small space heater going and several towels laid down on the tile floor. Stepping inside, Louis could feel the warmth right away, and it was then he realized just how cold he was. His teeth actually began to chatter.

“You two,” Jay snapped her fingers, “Strip out of those soggy, cold clothes. Here is a pile of clean sweats you can put on, as well as plain t-shirts and pants. I want you to put your soggy clothes in the washer and start the load. And stay in here by that space heater until I tell you you can come out.”

“Mummy,” Louis pouted, “You cannot be serious.”

“I am dead serious, Louis. Snow on bare skin? Are you children? Actually, no. Considering that the children had to be the ones to come get me, I don’t even feel you’re worthy of being called children under those circumstances. Stay in here and thaw out. I’m making homemade chicken noodle soup. Once it’s finished, I’ll come fetch you.”

“I am twenty seven and my mum has put me in time-out,” Louis scowled.

“You’re twenty seven and your mum has half a mind to spank you for being so reckless,” Jay shook her head, “Get out of those wet clothes. I’ll be back to get you in about fifteen minutes,” she said, shutting the washroom door behind her.

“In ten years, I’ve never once been on her bad side,” Harry frowned, peeling out of his wet jeans.

“Oh she’s not really mad,” Louis attempted to peel out of his as well, “She’s just a bit sore because we could actually get frostbite or summat from what we were doing out there.”

“I’ve never actually seen her cross before,” Harry kicked his wet jeans aside and moved to peel off his jumper, “I don’t like it. It’s scary.”

“Bloody terrifying more like,” Louis pulled off his own jumper and his eyes went wide when he saw Harry’s tummy, “No wonder she’s pissed. H, look.”

Harry stared down at his tummy - it was bright red from where Louis had held the ice on it.

“We’re proper idiots, aren’t we?”

Louis nodded, “Two actual knobheads.”

“There’s no room in here to turn around to strip out of our pants,” Harry realized.

“Shit. Okay. Well, like I said earlier, we’ve seen each other loads of times. Let’s just do it and keep our eyes up front, okay. I know that might be a bit difficult, given how endowed I am, but…”

“Oi, shut up!” Harry rolled his eyes, “Okay on the count of three. One...two...three.”

Together, they peeled down their pants and kicked them aside as well, not taking their eyes off of each others.

“Alright,” Harry let out a breath, “Hand me the dry pair.”

Louis turned to see the two piles of fresh, clean, warm, dry clothes sitting on top of the drier. The washroom was so tiny that with the two of them in there, there was no room for Harry to move to get to the clothes with Louis standing beside them like he was. A wicked smile crossed Louis’ face, “Hmm...should I?”

“Louis!” Harry’s eyes bulged, “Louis, c’mon. Please.”

“Alright, alright,” Louis laughed tossing the pair of plaid pants to Harry. 

They both slipped into their dry underwear, feeling a little bit more comfortable now that they were both clothed down there. They changed into the warm, dry sweats that Jay had set out for them as well. The warmth of the clothes felt like a hug to Louis and he wrapped his arms around his middle. 

Harry gathered up the wet clothes and stuck them into the washer, starting the load. Louis handed him the jug of detergent before asking, “So, before Mummy The Drill Sergeant came out, did you have fun at least?”

“Nope,” Harry grinned, “No fun was had whatsoever,” he nudged his hip into Louis’ before saying, “And to be fair to Jay, I’m pretty sure if left to our own devices out there, we’d have frozen each other’s dicks off.”

“Well good thing she did then,” Louis leaned back against the drier, “They’re both quite lovely dicks.”

Harry snorted, flushing pink, “You did _not_ just call our dicks lovely.”

“I did though,” Louis said, and maybe it was the cold having gone to his head that made him say the next thing, maybe it was because he just needed Harry to know he hadn’t forgotten; whatever the reason, Louis said a phrase he only ever said when he had Harry tied to the bed far too long ago, “It’s true, Haz. All the penises in the world, and yours is the prettiest.”

Harry’s mouth dropped and every part of him that wasn’t concealed by the baggy sweats turned a shade of beet red. He looked like he was just about to say something when suddenly --

“Oh _Jesus!_ ” Lottie groaned, “That is definitely a phrase I could have gone my whole life without ever having to hear. Listen, mum told me to come fetch you knobheads and tell you that the soup is ready and you can come eat now. Though I’m pretty sure I’ve lost my appetite.”

Cool as a cucumber, Louis replied, “Well it is true, Lots. Now then, come along, H. I’m starving!”

Harry fish-mouthed, but followed along behind Louis without a word.

***

They were twenty-seven and twenty-five and they’d been grounded by Johannah Deakin. Or at least her version of grounding them - which consisted of making Louis and Harry stay in the living room all day in their warm snuggly clothes, under several layers of blankets, next to the roaring fire, with mugs of soup and cups of orange juice and tea to sip on for the rest of the day. What was worse was that Jay had banned them from being near the kids, and the kids from being near them, for the entire day just in case they’d caught colds. 

“Well this is exciting,” Louis grumbled, flipping through the channels on the TV for the billionth time.

“She’s just being cautious,” Harry reached for his orange juice, “She’s being a mum.”

“Regardless, I’m sorry. I’m sure this isn’t very fun for you. It’s your holiday too.”

“It’s just one day,” Harry shrugged, “Besides, if I were at home right now, I’d be doing this exact same thing, only by myself. So I’m not regretting still coming along with you, if that’s what you’re trying to get at.”

“You mean that?” Louis asked, turning from the telly to face Harry.

“Of course,” Harry said earnestly, “I’m glad I’m here, Lou.”

“Good,” Louis took a breath before reaching out to brush a curl from Harry’s eyes, “Because I’m glad you’re here too, H.”

“Can I tell you a secret?” Harry asked, lowering his voice to a whisper, despite the fact that they were the only ones around at the moment.

“Of course,” Louis whispered back, “What is it, babe?”

Harry pinkened at the term of endearment. He nuzzled closer to Louis, hip to hip, and lowered his head to rest on Louis’ shoulder. On instinct, Louis reached up to brush his fingers along the curls at the back of Harry’s neck, “No matter what happens to us,” Harry said softly, “No matter how our story ends, I want you in my life, Louis Tomlinson.”

Louis’ mouth dropped slightly as his breath froze in his lungs. He didn’t ask Harry what he meant by the ‘no matter what’ and the ‘no matter how’ - even though his brain was kicked into overdrive at those phrases. Instead, he pressed a chaste kiss to Harry’s temple and said, “I never want to lose you from my life completely, Harry. Never, ever.”

Harry nuzzled his head back to Louis’ shoulder before saying, “You never, ever will.”


	4. Chapter Four

Louis awoke the next morning to a lapful of bubbly boy. He blinked awake, wondering if it was a dream that Harry Styles was currently straddling his hips with a bright smile on his face, dimples cratering, and eyes bright and sparkling. 

“What...what time is it?” Louis asked, confused.

“Doesn’t matter,” Harry grinned, “Do you remember what day it is?”

“Uh...no,” Louis lifted an arm to rub the bleary sleep from his eyes. It was far too early for whatever Harry was getting at. That’s all Louis knew. He still didn’t understand why, or how, Harry was straddling his hips with his legs. Not that he was complaining. There were worst ways to wake up - and Louis had experienced them every morning since November. Waking up with a lapful of Harry was definitely better than waking up alone in a cold bed sans Harry.

“It’s December 24th, silly! And that means...it’s your birthday!”

Louis let out a groan, slapping his hand over his eyes, “Harry, honestly. What time is it?”

“Five twenty-three.”

“Five...twenty...three? _In the morning?_ ” Louis wanted to kill him.

“Mmhmm,” Harry nodded brightly, “Happy birthday!”

“You...are a menace,” Louis groaned, peeling his hand from his eyes, “Why am I awake at five twenty-three, Harold? Better question, why am I awake at five twenty-three at the hands of you, and you’re still alive and breathing for it?”

“Because,” Harry grinned, “I had to wake up to wee and then I remembered today’s your birthday, and that you’re officially twenty-eight today, and I just had to wake you up to tell you something very, very important.”

“Should I be offended that you just remembered today’s my birthday?”

“No, I know today’s your birthday,” Harry rolled his eyes, “It just hit me as I was weeing is all. And I knew I had to wake you up and tell you something important.”

Louis sighed, humoring him, “Alright, Haz. What’s so important that you have to tell me now?”

Harry giggled, leaning in to whisper in Louis’ ear, “You’re an old man.”

“Oi!” Louis yelped, shoving Harry off him and off the bed in the process, “How’s _that_ for old man,” Louis smirked, grabbing Harry’s pillow and tossing it at his head- successfully hitting the target - before falling back against the mattress and sighing peacefully, “This old man is going back to sleep. You, young whippersnapper, can sleep on the floor until it’s a proper hour to wake up.”

“But…”

“Nope. This old man needs his rest. He’s old, after all. Remember? As you so kindly woke me up to inform me. One question though,” Louis leaned over the mattress to stare at Harry who was poutingly trying to get comfortable on the floor, “How come it’s only ever me that’s old? I hit twenty, I’m old as the hills. You hit twenty, and it’s all ‘oh I’m still young.’ I hit twenty-five and you legit buy me a walker for a birthday present. You turn twenty-five, and it’s all ‘twenty-five is still young, Lewis.’ Why is that?”

Harry flipped over on the pillow, grinning up at Louis, “It’s cause you’re older. And I’m younger. We’re gonna be in our nineties and I’m gonna still be teasing you for being so old. Just you watch.”

“Yeah, if I don’t smother you before then out of sheer annoyance.”

Harry just giggled. Louis rolled his eyes and flopped back down on his pillow, smiling at the realization that Harry just implied they were going to still grow old together. It made Louis’ stomach dip - and not in a bad way for once. It actually felt filled with butterflies. Louis rolled his eyes, unable to fight the massive grin that wouldn’t leave his face.

“Alright, you giant knobhead. Get up,” Louis lifted the covers so Harry could crawl back under.

“You aren’t kicking me out of the bed?” Harry asked, snuggling under the duvet.

“Only because it’s my birthday, and the birthday boy always gets what he wants.”

“And what does the birthday boy want?” Harry raised a brow and Louis had to ball his hand into a fist, digging the nails into his palm to try to not completely fly off the rails at the sound of that question coming from Harry’s lips.

“For you to sleep beside me,” Louis said honestly.

“That I can do,” Harry smiled a soft smile, “Hell, I’ll even do you one better, Lou. Roll over.”

Louis furrowed his brows, but did as Harry said. He felt an arm wrap around his middle, pulling him against Harry’s body. Louis relaxed against Harry, reveling in the feeling of being cuddled. 

“Birthday cuddles,” Harry explained.

“Mmm,” Louis hummed, “Can’t argue with that.”

“You? Not argue?” Harry gasped, “That’s a first.”

“Oi, shut up. Old man birthday boy trying to sleep here.”

Harry giggled.

Louis couldn’t have asked for a better birthday gift than this moment right here.

***

Jay went all out for Louis’ birthday. She always did, ever since Louis could remember. Even when money was tight, she still went all out to give him the best gifts and cake she could. And every year, Louis felt so incredibly honored to have her as his mother. This year was no different. When Harry and Louis did wake up - at an actual humane hour - they untangled from each other and quietly padded around the bedroom getting dressed and ready to head downstairs. When they got downstairs, they were greeted with a giant banner that said HAPPY BIRTHDAY LOUIS. Louis could tell that the kids had made it, and it warmed his heart at the thought. They headed into the kitchen to find Jay making birthday cake pancakes as Daisy and Phoebe were helping with eggs and bacon, and Ernie and Doris were coloring at the kitchen table. When Jay saw them, she abandoned the pancakes to grab Louis into a massive hug, kissing his face.

“I love you so, so, so much, baby boy,” she said just as she did every year, “And I am the luckiest mummy in the entire world to have you as my son.”

“I love you, Mummy,” Louis kissed her cheek, hugging her back just as tightly.

“Come, sit sit. Dan is at the tree lot getting the tree with Lottie. So it’s just us for this morning. But I’m making birthday cake pancakes. Hope that’s good with you.”

“Mummy, you make those for me every year,” Louis smiled, “And every year, I love them.”

Jay smiled, kissing him on top of the head before returning the pan on the stove, “Did you two sleep well?” She asked, “No one’s caught the flu after yesterday’s adventures?”

“Nope,” Louis sat down at the kitchen table, watching Doris draw a flower, “We’re in tip-top shape. Aren’t we, Harold.”

“Well, I dunno about that,” Harry slid into the chair beside Ernie, “I did get kicked out of the bed about five thirty this morning.”

“Louis!” Jay scolded, “Why did you kick Harry out of the bed?”

“He woke me up at five to call me an old man!” Louis cried, grabbing a crayon and beginning to color a picture of a soccer pitch.

“Harry,” Jay scolded, “If Louis is an old man, what - prey tell - does that make me?”

Harry smiled so innocently that Louis could practically see a halo floating above his head, “Amazing and beautiful and eternally youthful.”

“And this is why he’s definitely a keeper, Louis,” Jay said, flipping a pancake.

Louis’ stomach dipped. Harry flushed and adverted his eyes to the drawing Ernie was working on.

Louis reached up to tuck his hand into Harry’s curls, saying, “Only an idiot would let this one slip away.” 

***

Louis’ birthdays went like this: breakfast a huge deal, and that’s when presents were exchanged. After breakfast, they’d begin decorating the Christmas tree. Jay used to insist the tree be done long before Louis’ birthday, but as a child, Louis enjoyed putting the tree up and decorating it so much that he insisted it be done on his birthday, and Jay never argued. It still stood true as Louis got older, and every year, the tree would be put up on his birthday.

When Dan and Lottie got back from the tree farm, they sat around in the living room so that Louis could open his birthday presents. Louis sat in the middle of the living room floor, with his gifts around him. He was surprised to see a box with Harry’s writing in the tag. He supposed it made sense - it’d be odd and raise suspicions if Harry hadn’t given Louis anything. Still, Louis really hadn’t been expecting a gift from him. 

He proceeded to open his gifts, savoring Harry’s for last. From his mum and Dan, Louis received a nice wool sweater; from Lottie, some bath bombs from LUSH; from Phoebe and Daisy and Ernie and Doris, gift cards to a few of Louis’ favorite takeaway places. And lastly, the present from Harry. As Louis reached for it, he noticed Harry was biting his bottom lip nervously.

“Hey,” Louis waved Harry over beside him, “Come here.”

Harry crawled over next to Louis on the floor and Louis crooked his arm around Harry’s shoulders, “Best one for last, babe,” Louis pressed a kiss to Harry’s temple before tearing away at the wrapping. Underneath was a small box. Louis lifted the lid and gasped a little at what he saw. There, in the box, nestled in some tissue paper, was a beautiful Moleskine notebook and marbled ballpoint pen. 

“For your writing,” Harry explained. He looked nervous, biting his lip and picking at his nails. Louis set the box aside and wrapped his arms around Harry, hugging him tightly. He wanted Harry to know how beautiful a gift it was, how much it meant to him. That was the thing of it - somewhere along the way, Louis had forgotten how much writing meant to him, why he got into the business he was in in the first place. But Harry never forget. 

“It’s beautiful, Harry,” Louis said, reaching under Harry’s chin with his fingertips to bring his eyes to face his, “Really. It’s...it’s amazing. You’re amazing.”

Harry blushed, trying to advert his eyes. Louis didn’t know what came over him in that moment. All he knew was that he needed Harry to know how special the gift was to him, how special he was to him. They’d talked the other day, said that kissing was okay - just as long as it was saved for certain occasions. This was one of those occasions, Louis could feel it. He needed to kiss Harry in this moment. So he did. 

Louis pulled Harry to him, pressing his lips against his, not giving him the time to protest. And Harry was surprised, taken back at first. But a second into the kiss, and his mouth was starting to part open. And....okay. Louis hadn’t been expecting that. But it was as if Harry wanted to be kissed just as badly as Louis wanted to kiss him. And Louis wanted this to be perfect, wanted to say everything he hadn’t been able to say up until this point with this kiss. He wanted to write against Harry’s mouth all the things he wanted to say. But just as the kiss was deepening, Lottie tossed a pillow at them. Louis pulled away from Harry, wincing as if doing so physically pained him (it did), and picked up the pillow to toss it back to her. Harry was still kneeling next to Louis, a stunned look on his face. His lips were cherry-red, and his eyes were blown and holy shit, he looked so gone for just from one single kiss. And suddenly Louis’ jeans began to feel extremely tight in all the wrong places. God, why had he kissed Harry like that? He should have just pecked him on the lips and that be that. Instead, they’d practically made each other come in their pants in front of all of Louis’ family. Louis wanted to melt into the carpet.

“Well,” Jay clapped her hands, “Who wants to help me get the Christmas decorations out?”

“Ooh me, me, me!” The children all shouted, following Jay upstairs to the closet where the decorations were kept. 

“Um, I’m going to go uh...bathroom,” Dan said, standing from his recliner and heading out of the living room.

“You two are worse this weekend than you were when you were eighteen,” Lottie shook her head, “I’m going to help Mum get the decorations for tree. You two...get yourselves sorted.”

“I...should not have done that,” Louis buried his face in his hands as soon as they were alone.

“Why did you?” Harry asked softly.

Louis shrugged, “I guess it was the only way I felt like I could show you.”

“Show me what?”

Louis pulled his hands away, meeting Harry’s eyes, “How much your gift meant to me, Harry. How much it means to me. And how much you...how much you mean to me.”

Harry let out a little gasp, barely audible, but Louis had heard it. Louis had seen the way Harry’s whole demeanor shifted slightly. A soft smile flirted on his lips as he said,  ‘s nothing.”

“ ‘s everything,” Louis countered, “Harry, I forgot a lot along the way this past year. And one of those things I forgot was how much writing means to me. I took this job at Men’s Athletic because I wanted to write articles. And I don’t even get to do that anymore. I lost sight of what was important to me. One of those things I lost was my writing. But you...you never forgot how much it meant to me. And you’ve always supported me in my writing, in my journalism, even when I didn’t support myself. I don’t deserve you, H,” Louis’ voice broke as he felt the tears prickle his eyes, “I don’t deserve you, and I guess that’s why...that’s why I lost you.”

“Louis…” Harry shook his head. Louis lifted his eyes to meet Harry’s. He noticed that Harry’s eyes were wet and red-rimmed as he shook his head again, “Louis…”

“I don’t blame you, H. Please know that. Fuck, I’d leave me too if I could. I’ve been terrible to you, and you deserve so much more. So much better. I’m not good for you, and I never have been. And...and you deserve someone who’ll be good to you. Who’ll treasure you and I…”

“Stop. _Please_ stop,” Harry begged, and Louis saw that his cheeks were stained with tears. He never meant to make Louis cry. Louis reached out to brush a tear away from Harry’s cheek with the pad of his thumb, but Harry pulled back before he could, “Just stop, Louis. What do you want me to do with this?” Harry asked, shaking his head again.

“I don’t...I don’t know. I just...I want you to know. I want you to know that I understand it, Harry. I understand and that I’m so, so sorry. You mean the world to me, Harry. You always have and you always will. And I didn’t say that enough before, but I’m saying it now. Do with that what you will, but I need you to know.”

“I-I need to go um...freshen up,” Harry pushed himself up off the floor, wiping at his cheeks with his fists. Before he headed out of the living room, he stopped and said, “You were right, Louis. You shouldn’t have kissed me like that.”

Louis’ entire body crumbled at Harry’s words.

“Because now I want you to kiss me like that again and again and again.”

***

When Harry came back downstairs, his face was washed and there was no trace of any tears, or anything that had taken place between them just moments before. They started decorating the tree with the rest of the family. Dan was in charge of the lights, and Harry and Louis were in charge of beads and tinsel. Everyone was in charge of putting their own ornaments on the tree, as they all had ornaments that were special and belonged to each of them - even Harry at this point, having spent the past ten Christmases with the Tomlinson-Deakins. 

After the tree was all put up and decorated, Jay ordered pizza (Louis’ birthday dinner of choice every year) and they sat around the living room watching Christmas movies on the telly and eating their pizzas. Louis was grateful for the quiet evening - it kept any awkwardness between him and Harry a minimum. They hadn’t really talked since their moment alone in the living room other than a bit of banter in an attempt to keep things light. It didn’t really work though. There was too much already said between them, and even still, not nearly enough.

They orbited around each other that night as they got ready for bed. They took turns in the bathroom, showering and changing - not saying much of anything to each other. And when Louis crawled into bed and Harry turned out the lamp light, they laid in bed in silence. They were both laying on their backs, staring up at the stars on Louis’ ceiling like their first night there. There were still a thousand words on the tip of Louis’ tongue. But how could he say them? He didn’t want to put Harry in an even more awkward position. Harry let out a quiet little sigh and Louis reached up to scratch at his brow. He knew what he needed to tell Harry. He’d done something after their moment in the living room - something that scared the absolute shit out of himself - but it was something Louis had known for so long that he’d needed to do. Harry’s present just was the confirming factor. It was like a sign from above that Louis needed to go ahead and do this. So after the tree had gone up, before the pizza had arrived, Louis had excused himself to the bathroom and had locked himself in his bedroom with his phone in his hand - pacing around as he typed out an email he wrote, deleted, and rewrote about a dozen times before hitting send. Once he’d hit send, that was it. There was nothing left to do. So he tossed his phone under his pillow - out of sight and out of mind - before heading downstairs to join his family for pizza and Christmas movies. But now, in the darkness of the bedroom, in the silence of it all, he knew he needed to tell Harry. He knew he had to make it real to himself and say the words out loud.

“Harry,” Louis whispered, “I need to tell you a secret.”

“What is it?” Harry whispered back.

“Look at me,” Louis instructed, turning to face Harry as Harry flipped over to face him, “I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, okay. I want you to know what I’m about to tell you, I did for myself. I thought it through, Harry. This isn’t some irrational decision I made in an attempt to like...save us. I did this because I had to do it. Because I’ve lost too much in my life - too much of myself.”

“What’d you do?” Harry asked.

“I emailed Angela this evening,” Louis took a deep breath, “I emailed her my resignation from Men’s Athletic.”

For a moment, there was just silence in the room. And then, “You did what?”

“I emailed Angela and…”

“You...you resigned?” Harry blinked, trying to process Louis’ words.

“Yes. It’s something I’ve wanted to do for a long time, Harry. Longer than you realize. And I just...your birthday gift to me was like the sign from above that I needed to just take the plunge and do it. I’m not in advertizing. I’m not meant to sell people products and goods they don’t need with money they don’t have. That’s not me, Haz. It’s not. I’m meant to be a journalist. I lost sight of that. I lost sight of so much. And I don’t know what I’m going to do right now, but I’ll figure it out. I just...I know whatever it is, I’ll be far happier than I ever would be if I’d stayed where I was. I needed to get away from Men’s Athletic. I needed to get away from Angela. I need...I need something new. And maybe I’ll start a blog or maybe I’ll…”

Louis was cut short by Harry grabbing him and pressing his lips to his. This kiss was the same as the one in the living room, only no one was here to throw pillows at them or try to break them apart. They kissed hungrily, greedily - desperate for one another. It was as if nothing was quite enough. They kissed as if they were desperate for it, as if it were their last. They kissed Harry pulled back saying, “Stop, stop, stop, stop.”

“What...what’s wrong?” Louis asked, panicked - not wanting to have messed anything else up any worse.

“I...I can’t keep kissing you like that right now or...or I’m going to…”

“ _Oh_ ,” Louis blinked, realizing what Harry was implying, “Sorry. I’m sorry, H. I…”

“Shh,” Harry ran his thumb along Louis’ bottom lip, “I was the one that kissed you, Lou. You don’t need to apologize for a single thing. I just...I won’t last if we kept that up.”

“Oh, okay. Right. Right,” Louis flicked his fringe from his eyes, trying to steady his breathing.

“Louis, I am so proud of you right now,” Harry said, “Please, please know that. You don’t know...you have no idea. I watched that job suck away at you over and over again. I saw the happiness and light drain from your eyes and I couldn’t do anything to prevent it. I’m so happy you did something good for yourself. Whatever you chose to do from here, you have my fullest support.”

“I thought it was where I wanted to be,” Louis admitted, “But then it wasn’t. And when I realized that, it was too late. And I kept telling myself I was doing it for us, H. But how could I have been doing it for us when it was what was tearing us apart? I told myself that I took the promotion and worked the long hours and overtime to save for our futures - but now...now we don’t even have a future because of it. I sacrificed us for something I thought I was doing for us. I lost myself, and I lost the most important person in the world to me working there. I can’t ever go back to that again. I won't let myself.”

“Don’t say that,” Harry shook his head.

“Don’t say what?”

“Don’t say that we don’t have a future. Don’t say that you lost me. Just...don’t.”

“But…” Louis mind was racing, trying to process what Harry was saying to him.

Harry reached up and brushed some fringe from Louis’ forehead, “I don’t know what I’m saying right now,” he chuckled slightly, “And I don’t want to give you false hope, Louis. But...we have a future. And you haven’t lost me. I’m laying right here in front of you - right here, right now. All you have to do is take me.”

“I don’t...I don’t understand.”

“All I have ever wanted, Louis, was for you to fight for me. For you to make me a priority again in your life. For you to be the man I fell in love with again. These past few days here with your family...it feels like starting over. It feels like coming home. I’m not ready to give up on us. I was never ready to give up on us. I just...I wanted you to try for me, Louis. I felt like you stopped caring - about yourself, about me, about us. And I couldn’t do that anymore. I couldn’t.”

“Harry…”

“I don’t want to lose you, Louis. I want us to work. I’ve always, always wanted us to work. Because you’re it for me too. My first and last. My everything. And I want to fight for us, but I can’t be fighting alone. I need you by myself, Louis. And these last few days have been amazing. I’ve found the boy I fell in love with at uni again. I’ve found my Louis again. My beautiful, bright, shining star Louis. And I’m...I’m fucking terrified. I’m terrified that this is just Christmas magic, and being home with your family. I’m terrified that as soon as we go home to London, we’ll be right back where we were - with us not speaking and me preparing to move out. And I don’t want that, Louis. It’s been killing me these last few weeks. We’ve...we’ve talked more, laughed more, and had more fun together in these last two days than we have had in almost a year. I’m scared this is a fluke. I don’t want this to be a fluke. Because I’ve finally got my Louis back, and I can’t survive losing him a second time.”

“Harry...I...will fight for you. I will fight for you every day. I know I took you for granted. I know I started to see you as like a fixture that would always be there. I stopped caring because I took you for granted. I took our love for granted. And I should never have done that. But I’ve always been your Louis. Somewhere deep down, he’s always been there - always been there loving you and wanting you. And I will never, ever let us go back to what we’ve been. It’s been killing me at home too. I hate that we don’t talk anymore, or laugh anymore. I told myself it was because of the breakup. But we stopped talking and laughing long before then. I made a promise to myself though while we were here. I promised myself that I had you for two more weeks. If at the end of those two weeks, you were to move out and I’d never see you again, I’d try to accept that. But I still had two weeks to have you and to treasure you and I was going to do all I could to make that happen. I’ve been trying to build memories with you because I don’t want there to be a time when you’re gone away from me, and I have nothing left of you. I’ve been memorizing your smile and your laugh and the way your eyes twinkle. I’ve been trying to imprint these things into my brain because I never want to forget them. If you were to go away from me, and I were to have nothing of you, I wouldn’t...I wouldn’t be able to survive without a piece of you to hold on to. You’re it for me, H. You’re my beginning and my end. This isn’t a fluke. This is me fighting. Me fighting, but me also knowing it might be a fight I’ve already lost.”

“It’s late,” Harry said, “And I don’t want to spend the last moments of your birthday, or the first moments of Christmas, crying. So let’s just...let’s just hold each other, okay. Let’s just hold each other as if we never have to let go.”

“Okay,” Louis nodded as they folded together, embracing one another and breathing each other in. Louis memorized the feel of Harry in his arms, the smell of his curls, tried to count the number of lashes kissing his cheeks, “What do we do now?” He asked fearfully after a moment of complete stillness.

“We don’t let go,” Harry answered simply.

“That’s it?” Louis asked.

“That’s it. Just don’t let go Louis. God damn it, don’t let go.”

“I won’t let go, Harry. I won’t _ever_ let go.”

 


	5. Chapter Five

Louis awoke Christmas morning to armful of Harry. He still couldn’t believe he was getting to have these moments, and he wondered if last night had even been real. He had no idea where he and Harry stood currently, what the fate of their relationship would be. But all he knew was that they were both willing to fight for it. He reached up and brushed a curl from Harry’s eyes. It was Christmas morning, and he was waking up with a beautiful boy whom he loved achingly so in his arms. Louis couldn’t help the smile on his face. He reached up and twirled one of Harry’s curls around his fingers. He still had a chance to make things right here, he still had a chance - the possibility of a future - with Harry.

Suddenly, the bedroom door swung open and they were bombarded with Daisy, Phoebe, Ernie, and Doris hopping up and down on the bed as Lottie stood in the doorway, smirking.

“They woke me up first,” she said, “I suggested they move on to your bedroom.”

“Thank you for this,” Louis grunted as Doris stepped on him.

“It’s Christmas! It’s Christmas!” All four of them sang.

“It is!” Harry laughed, trying to still Ernie from jumping on his stomach, “Shall we go see if Santa has left you some presents!” 

“I don’t know,” Louis laughed, blowing a raspberry on Doris’ tummy, “Does Santa leave presents for monsters?”

“Yes!” Doris squealed, “He left me lots!”

“Okay, okay. Let’s go see then, shall we,” Louis stood up from the bed, a twin taking each of his hands. Harry wasn’t far behind, another set of twins holding onto his hands, pulling him along as well. Lottie was laughing. 

“Hey, hold up,” Louis said when they got to the top of the stairs. He took a little breath before releasing Ernie and Doris’ hands. He turned to Harry, pressing a soft, chaste kiss to his lips. Harry let out a surprised little gasp, eyes bulging as Louis pulled away. Louis smiled shyly at him, making Harry pinken and dimple, turning away in a poor attempt to conceal his smile and his blush.

“Alrighty then,” Louis grinned, grabbing Ernie and Doris up into his arms, “Let’s go see what Santa’s left!”

The living room was practically stacked floor-to-ceiling with so many brightly wrapped boxes. Louis knew that for a lot of people, Christmas lost it’s magic as they got older. That was never the case in this house. Jay always went all out, saving up and buying gifts all throughout the year for this special day. She always wanted her kids to have memorable Christmases, no matter how old they got to be. 

“No one open anything yet,” Louis scolded as they kids all flocked to their packages, “Not until Mummy says you may.”

“That’s no fun,” Ernie pouted, a big box on his lap.

“Sorry doves,” Jay appeared in the doorway, “The rules are the rules. Let me pop this breakfast bake in the oven and fetch your father. Then we can tear into the gifts.”

“I’m going to fix some coffee,” Louis said decidedly, “H, you want a cup?”

“Of course. With the gingerbread creamer?”

“Would I be drinking coffee without it?” Louis laughed, wrapping an arm around Harry’s waist and leading him into the kitchen. The only time he ever chose coffee over tea was Christmastime, because of the gingerbread coffee creamers. He was pretty sure heaven tasted like gingerbread coffee creamer.

“Are you two having a good holiday?” Jay asked, sprinkling some cheese on top of the breakfast bake before popping it into the oven.

Louis poured two mugs of steaming coffee, splashing in some of the gingerbread coffee creamer, “Of course,” he said, handing one of the mugs to Harry, “It’s been nice to see you all again. “But for the love of God, someone tell Ernie and Doris to stop growing so much!”

Jay laughed, “Believe me, I would if I could. You two still thinking five’s a good number?”

“Oh,” Louis’ eyes quickly flicked to Harry’s. Harry had been blowing softly on his mug of coffee. When he heard Jay’s question, his eyes popped wide open.

“Two boys, three girls,” Harry answered simply. Louis felt something warm swell in the pit of his stomach.

“Well, I know as well as anyone what a handful that can be. But if anyone’s capable of it, and raising five kids to be beautiful human beings, it’s you two. Look at me,” Jay chuckled, wiping her hands on her apron, “Dan made me swear I wouldn’t go into the ‘I want grandchildren’ talk with you. I know that whenever the time is right, it’ll happen for the two of you. You two…” Jay smiled, shaking her head fondly, “Sometimes it still takes my breath away. I mean, I am very much in love with Dan, and Louis, you know I was very much in love with Mark as well - once upon a time. But the way you to are together, the way you two have been for the past ten years, well. It just takes my breath away. I don’t know of anyone as purely in love as you two. And something beautiful must be happening in the cards for you soon, because these past few days, it’s like I’m getting to see you fall in love all over again,” she reached out to pinch Harry’s cheek, “It’s like the first time Louis brought you home to us because ‘you have to meet him, Mummy, he’s gorgeous and I love him and I need you to meet him.’ You could barely keep your eyes - or your hands - off each other then. I don’t know what’s happened between you this past year, but it’s like that again. When you look at each other, your eyes just fill with so much love and devotion and god damn it,” Jay turned away, touching the hem of her apron to her eye, “Dan!” She shouted, “Get down here so we can open gifts! Sorry,” she smiled to the Harry and Louis, “I’m being proper soppy.”

Louis had no idea what to say. He knew his mother was intuitive. She knew him better than he knew himself. The bond that he had with her was different from the bonds she had with her other children. They always used to say they were best friends. And Jay knew everything about Louis, inside and out, even before he was able to pick up on those things about himself. Was it possible that she was able to detect the passion reignited in them these last few days? Was it possible that she noticed that rekindling?

“Mummy,” Louis said, abandoning the mug of coffee to wrap his arms around Harry’s middle, “To be honest, this year has been hard on us both. And there’s been times where we questioned if we could come through those times. But I think we’re going to be okay. I think we’re going to come through.” He risked a glance to meet Harry’s eyes. They were filling with tears and he was dimpling like crazy. 

“Oh baby,” Jay shook her head, “You two are meant to last. You’re going to last. Your love has been real and strong in every past life and will continue to be in every future life. You’re it for each other. And whatever you’ve been working through, you’ve come out stronger because of it. You are such lovey doves. And now look at us,” Jay chuckled, “All three of us, soppy, teary messes. Alright, no more of this talk. You two are in love and it’s beautiful and that’s that. Now then, let’s go open gifts!”

Louis held back slightly to check in with Harry, to see how he was after her talk, “Hey, you okay, H?” Louis asked, reaching up to tuck his fingers under Harry’s chin, “That was a lot, huh?”

“Um, yeah,” Harry nodded, his eyes wet and overwhelmed, “I just...I wasn’t expecting that this morning.”

“I’m sorry.”

“No, no it’s okay,” Harry wiped at his eyes with his knuckle, “Let’s go open presents, okay?”

“Okay,” Louis held out his hand for Harry to take. He wasn’t sure if he would - wouldn’t blame him if he didn’t  - but Harry’s hand slipped easily into Louis’ and they headed out to the living room together.

***

In a short matter of time, the living room was littered in wrapping paper in such a way that you couldn’t even see that there was carpeting underneath. The kids had all gotten various gifts - bikes, trikes, dolls, water guns, makeup sets, nail polish, gift cards, candies, sticker books, and movies. Louis himself felt very spoiled with a few other sweaters, some snazzy pairs of socks with cute prints, DVDs to his favorite movies, and some iTunes giftcards. Harry had been spoiled as well. Jay had gone all out and bought him numerous different kitchen supplies - including a whisk and several brightly colored spatulas and measuring cups. Louis could tell Harry was just itching to bake as he sat on the floor, admiring his mixing cups.

“Mummy and Dan are going to take the kiddos to the movies this afternoon,” Louis whispered against Harry’s ear, “We’ll have the kitchen to ourselves and you can show off your new toys to me. How does that sound?”

Harry smacked Louis in the shoulder with the whisk, “You just want me to bake you cookies.”

“Am I that transparent?”

“Crystal,” Harry giggled.

Louis huffed.

“There’s still two presents left!” Daisy pointed out.

“Oh,” Louis reached under the tree to grab them, “I believe these are ours, huh?”

“Yeah,” Harry blushed slightly, taking the gift Louis handed to him. 

“Alright,” Louis felt his stomach dip, “Want to open them together?”

“Sure,” Harry smiled, and they tore into their gifts at the same time. 

Louis had no idea what Harry had gotten him, but he hoped more than anything that Harry would like his gift. Louis had put a lot of thought into Harry’s gift, and he just hoped and prayed that it’d be okay.

As Harry lifted off the lid of the box, he gasped at what was inside, “Louis...are these…”

“Business cards,” Louis smiled, putting his gift aside to show Harry, “For the bakery. You didn’t have some proper business cards, so I got Zayn to help me come up with the design. I think it’s rather cute, really. But what do you think? Do you think they’re good?”

Harry turned a card over in his hand, marveling at the front of it. On the front, in beautiful cursive script read ‘Sweetcheeks Bakery.’ Under that, read ‘Harry Styles, owner, baker and catering coordinator’ with Harry’s work number printed beside it. Bordering the pastel pink card were beautiful pastel pastries and cakes. The card was gorgeous - at least, Louis had thought so. He prayed Harry felt the same.

“This is beautiful, Louis. This is...wow. Thank you so much.”

“And guess what,” Louis said, eyes dancing excitedly.

“What?”

“The company kept the templet. So when you expand and add the cafe, they can easily change the card to say ‘Sweetcheeks Bakery and Cafe.’”

“This is amazing, Louis! Open yours!” Harry said excitedly.

“Right, right,” Louis returned his attention to his own gift that lay beside him. He finished opening the wrapping to reveal an envelope. On the inside were two season passes for Man-U, the seats better than any seats Louis had ever had in his life. Louis let out a little gasp before tackling Harry in a huge hug.

“Harry Styles! What have you done?” Louis cried, “This is amazing...this is too much!”

“It’s really not,” Harry laughed, hugging Louis back, “The wedding I was telling you about...one of the people I mingled with works for Man-U. He promised me discounted season passes in exchange for my spinach puff recipe. It was an easy deal.”

Louis couldn’t stop the words before they spilled out. There, in the middle of his family’s living room, practically in Harry’s lap with his arms wrapped around his neck, Louis said, “I love you so much!” It wasn’t until after that he realized what he’d said. He paled instantly, never wanting to put Harry on the spot like that in a million years. They hadn’t said ‘I love you’ in months. And Louis had just blurted it out and now everything was going to be ruined. He felt sick.

But to his surprise, Harry just laughed, squeezed him tighter, and said, “I love you so much too, Lou.”

***

“What I said earlier...I’m sorry,” Louis flushed down to his toes, “It just...it came out. I didn’t mean to like, put you in an uncomfortable position or make you feel backed into a corner or…”

“Would you hush?” Harry scolded, “I know what you said and I know what I said. Now, get out the icing sugar.”

Louis opened his mouth to say more, but Harry fixed him with a look that told him not to argue back. Jay and Dan had taken the kids to see a movie in the theater in town, leaving Harry and Louis completely alone in the home. And Harry could hardly wait to get his hands messy in the kitchen. The baking tools Jay had bought for him had been top-of-the-line from a kitchen specialty store, and he was practically bouncing on his toes with excitement to get to use them. As soon as everyone had left, Louis helped Harry take over the kitchen. Not that Harry needed any help from him. This was his element, after all. But as Louis watched Harry lay out the mixing bowls and set his tools out in an organized row along the kitchen island, Louis felt the need to apologize for the random outburst in the living room. He didn’t want Harry to feel uncomfortable by what he’d said. But it appeared that Harry didn’t want to discuss it. Louis could respect that - or at the very least, he could try to respect that. He got the icing sugar out from the pantry and set it on the counter.

“Thanks,” Harry smiled at him.

“So, what are we baking today, Chef?” Louis asked, trying to lighten the mood from earlier.

“Date spice cookies, lovely assistant. We’re going to start by coating the dried dates in a mix of flour, cinnamon, and allspice. So I’m actually going to have you help with that.”

“You trust me with that kind of responsibility, Harold?” Louis asked, appearing scandalized.

“Well, it’s literally four ingredients mixed into a bowl. I don’t think you can mess that up. And if you manage to, well...that’s just sad, Lewis.”

“Oi, shut up,” Louis laughed, opening the package of dried dates and sprinkling them into a glass mixing bowl as Harry began to work on creating the dough for the cookies. Louis spooned in some flour and sprinkled the spices on top of that before stirring everything together in the bowl. He had to admit, already the kitchen was starting to smell delicious. Harry was the best baker in the entire world, Louis was quite certain of that fact, and he couldn’t even remember the last time they’d baked together. It made him sad to realize, considering they used to bake together all the time and try out new recipes together. 

“Look at you,” Harry cooed, cracking a few eggs into his mixing bowl, “Haven’t started any fires yet. Improvement.”

“Oi! That was _one_ time,” Louis sputtered, “And how was I supposed to know vanilla extract was flammable? Besides, I’m mixing fruit and spices. I don’t think there’s anything in this bowl that’ll ignite.”

“Oh, I’m sure you of all people could figure out how to set flour on fire,” Harry quipped, dimple digging in deep to his cheek.

“I’m gonna set _you_ on fire,” Louis grumbled, stirring his bowl of dates.

Harry giggled, moving to get something from the fridge and smacking Louis on the bum as he passed by, making Louis yelp and jump. Harry just sucked in a smile, eyes twinkling playfully. Louis bit down on his own smile, trying not to smile, trying not to pay too much attention to the butterflies filling his tummy.

“Hey Haz,” Louis smirked, “We’ve barely been working for five minutes and you’ve already got flour in your curls.”

“What? Where?” Harry reached up to try to brush it out just as Louis grabbed a handful of flour and smooshed it into Harry’s hair, making him squeal, “Louis!!”

“What’d I tell you?” Louis shook his head, “Such a mess, Haz.”

“You’re the mess. And you’re just asking for trouble now.”

“Am I?”

“Mmhmm.”

“I had no idea,” Louis giggled, dipping his hand back into the flour before bringing it back to lightly smack Harry’s cheek. Flour poofed all over Harry’s right side of his face. 

“Oh...you are so dead,” Harry glowered, tossing a handful of flour into Louis’ face.

“Hazza!” Louis shrieked, “No!”

“Oh you started this,” Harry giggled, holding the bag of flour protectively in his arms as he continued to fling handfuls of flour at Louis as Louis tried to run around the kitchen, looking for an escape, “And who’s your mummy going to believe made the mess? Hmm? Me or you?”

“Nooo!” Louis giggled as Harry captured him in a headlock, pouring flour into his hair, “Hazza!”

“Alright, alright,” Harry laughed, stepping back and examining their mess. They were both completely covered in flour, as well as the floors and counters, “We’ll clean it up before they get back,” Harry promised, “Now, stop being a menace and let me get back to work here.”

“Fine then,” Louis bounced up onto the counter and swung his feet, watching as Harry continued to prepare the dough, “So,” Louis said after a beat, “Two season passes?”

“I figured you might want to take Zayn with your or something,” Harry said, taking the date mixture from Louis and adding it into the cookie dough.

“Right,” Louis nodded, eyeing Harry suspiciously, “I mean, I could take Zayn. Or I could take someone else.”

“Well, obviously. You can take whomever you’d like,” Harry said casually, stirring in the dates.

“I could take you,” Louis said, dipping his finger into the dough and causing Harry to smack at his hand.

Harry ducked his head in a feeble attempt to hide his blush, “Don’t know if I want to go with someone who’s putting his grubby fingers into my cookie dough and trying to eat it all,” Harry teased.

“Fine then,” Louis smirked, popping his finger back into the dough, “Don’t think I want to go with you anyway,” he said, smearing the dough on his finger across Harry’s cheek.

“Louis!”

“Harry!” Louis mimicked.

“Here,” Harry sighed, “Since you want to touch the dough so badly, you can help me make the balls. Just roll the balls into a nice shape and put them evenly spaced on the cookie sheet. Like this…”

“Just roll the balls then?”

“Louis.”

“Tell me, Harry,” Louis smirked, holding a ball of cookie dough in his palm, “Am I handling these _balls_ correctly?”

“Can you stop?” Harry flushed a pretty shade of pink as he attempted to duck his head.

Louis plopped another ball of cookie dough into his palm, holding the two balls of dough quite suggestively as he began to massage them in his hand, “Like this, H?”

“Jesus,” Harry hissed, turning away from Louis as Louis giggled, sounding accomplished, “I hate you so much right now,” Harry whined.

“Oh you do not,” Louis chuckled, “Besides, I thought you liked being teased.”

Harry blushed, looking away, pretending to check on the temperature of the oven, “I like being teased when I know that eventually you’re going to act on it.”

“Who says I’m not going to act on it?” Louis asked, setting the last two balls of dough on the cookie sheet.

“Louis…” Harry plead.

“What?” Louis stepped forward, ducking his head to try to meet Harry’s eyes, “Hazza, we’re alone in this house. Just you and me. If we wanted to play around a bit, we could do that.”

“Louis...we shouldn’t. We...it wouldn’t be right. Not given our um...situation.”

“And what situation is that?” Louis asked, reaching a finger up to trail down Harry’s chest, “I know what I want. And I think what I want is what you want too.”

“And what is it you want?” Harry asked, eyes already hooded and glossy.

“To get you upstairs to my room,” Louis said simply, “And take you completely apart.”

“Louis,” Harry let out a shaky gasp, “Louis…”

“What’s wrong?” Louis asked, lifting Harry’s chin with his fingertips, “I want you. It’s been so, so long. Too long. And I want to take you completely apart and put you back together again, Harry. I want that with you again.”

Harry’s breathing had grown shaky, and Louis could practically hear the wheels turning in his head, “We can’t, Lou. We can’t. We aren’t even...we aren’t even together anymore.”

“It’s us though, Haz. It’s you and me, just as it’s been for the last ten years. Please baby, I need you.”

“Oh...okay,” Harry nodded, “But the cookies come out in thirty minutes, so we have to make it quick.”

Louis didn’t know how they’d gone from playfully bantering and making innuendos to this. But all he knew was that he wanted Harry. Oh he wanted Harry so, so desperately. And Harry was saying yes. They headed up the stairs to Louis’ room, and Louis felt the butterflies in his tummy kick into overdrive. It’d been so long since he’d had Harry in this way, and he wanted to make this good for him. He just hoped he could still be good at this. A million thoughts raced through his brain. What if this was a mistake? What if this was too much too fast? They were still broken up though. Nothing made sense. But nothing about this felt wrong. It felt perfectly perfect in every way as Louis backed Harry towards the bed. 

“Lay back against the pillows, baby,” Louis ordered gently, “There you go, just like that.”

Harry lay with his head back against the pillows, his eyes blown and lips bitten red. His cheeks were bright pink and he looked so incredibly pretty that Louis ached inside.

“If you want me to stop, just say so, okay. Say the word and I’ll stop in an instant.”

“Don’t stop,” Harry shook his head, “Don’t you dare stop.”

Louis didn’t need more of a green-light than that. He pulled the jumper over Harry’s head, marveling at the sight of his bare chest, littered with tattoos that Louis always had adored tracing over. It was chilly in the bedroom, and Harry’s nipples were already hardening under the sudden exposure to the cold air. Louis felt himself grow hard in his sweat pants. But this wasn’t about him. His focus was going to be all on Harry. This was all about Harry right now.

“Look at you,” Louis marveled, loving the way Harry’s blush traveled down his chest, “So fucking pretty, Harry. The prettiest boy in the whole world.”

“Louis…” Harry keened, begging for Louis to just do something already.

“Can I take these off you?” Louis asked, digging his fingers under the waistband of Harry’s sweat pants.

“Yes, yes please,” Harry nodded desperately.

“I’ve got you, baby,” Louis assured him, “I’ve got you.”

He pulled the sweat bottoms down Harry’s hips, yanking them down his legs and tossing them to the side. Harry was so flushed, his stomach heaving with how ragged his breathing was. Louis’ heart ached for him, realizing just how long it’d been since he’d given Harry this. 

“Alright, baby, alright,” Louis straddled Harry’s hips, ducking his head to suck a bruise into the delicate skin of Harry’s neck. Harry hissed at the painful bite, and Louis was quick to lathe his tongue over the tender skin soothingly, “Gonna look so pretty on you,” Louis said in reference to the bruise Harry would sport shortly, “You always look so pretty wearing my marks.”

“Louis,” Harry cried out, hips rutting up desperately.

“I know, baby. I know. But I haven’t gotten to have you like this, to see you like this, in so long. Let me take my time with you a little. I’ll take care of you, you know I will. But let me play with you just a little bit first. Let me play with my pretty baby.”

Harry’s head rolled on the pillow as he squeezed his eyes shut, fighting the whine from escaping his lips.

“I know, darling. I know,” Louis cooed, trailing his fingers down Harry’s chest to the stiff little nubs that were already straining painfully from Harry’s chest, “But I know you, baby. I know what you love. I know you love being touched like this. Know you love having me take my time on you. Love how I make you feel,” Louis twisted the nubs tightly between his fingers, making Harry cry out and rise up from the bed.

“Shh,” Louis soothed, gently running his fingertips over the buds, “You’re okay, baby. You’re okay. Love having your nipples played with, don’t you, darling? Love how this makes you feel, love giving me control over your body. Everything you feel now is because of me. I have the power to give you this, to give you these touches. I have the power to make your body feel this way. I could keep touching you like this for hours,” Louis said, continuing to pinch and flick and massage and pull at Harry’s already abused nipples. And Harry, beautiful, beautiful Harry, laid there against the pillows, taking all that Louis was giving. Louis knew this must be maddening to him, knew how desperate he was just for Louis to touch him where he needed most, but he wasn’t protesting. He just laid there and took everything Louis gave.

“So good for me,” Louis praised, “So good for me, Hazza. You are being so lovely for me. You’re lying there so good, baby. You’re letting me play so well. Jesus, Harry,” Louis marveled, “You’re so, so perfect, baby. So perfect.”

He knew they didn’t have much time. He needed to finish Harry up before they burned his mum’s house down, or before his family got home to find the mess of flour in the kitchen. Louis gave Harry’s nipples one last final harsh twist, making Harry scream, before moving down to his plaid boxer shorts. They were already soaked through in the front.

“Look at you,” Louis said, tapping a finger to the wet fabric, making Harry hiss, “Made such a mess of yourself already, baby. Imagine what a mess you’re going to make when I get you to come for me.”

“Louis, Louis, Louis,” Harry canted, desperate for Louis to just do something.

“I’ve got you, darling,” Louis said, pulling the boxers down and tossing them aside, “Look at you, gorgeous. Look how pretty you are,” Louis ran a finger up Harry’s length, “Such a pretty penis, baby. The prettiest penis in the world.”

“Louis,” Harry sobbed, “ _Please_.”

“I know, lovely. I know. Tell me what you need, baby,” Louis urged, tickling his nails over Harry’s tip, making Harry hiss and squeeze his eyes shut, his fists balling into the sheets, his knuckles white, “Tell me what you need from me baby,” Louis continued to tickle his nails over Harry’s sensitive tip, “Tell me what you need, darling. Say it. Say what you want me to give you.”

“I...I need…” Harry let out a strangled gasp as Louis’ nail dipped into his slit, “I need...I need your mouth.”

“Your wish is my command, princess,” Louis said happily, lowering down to swallow Harry’s length.

It didn’t take long before Harry was coming down Louis’ throat, gasping Louis’ name as if it were a mantra. After Louis had swallowed him down, he sat up on his knees and wiped his lips with the back of his hand. Harry had thrown his head back against the pillows, eyes shut, and riding out the aftershocks of his orgasm.

“Hey baby,” Louis crawled up to lie beside him, brushing a finger lightly along Harry’s cheek, “You with me, love?”

“Y-yeah,” Harry breathed, “My God, Louis. That was...that was amazing.”

Louis smiled, pressing a chaste kiss to Harry’s cheek, “You’re okay with it, right?” Louis asked a little worriedly, “I mean, you don’t feel like we made a mistake, do you?”

Harry shook his head lazily, “I don’t think so,” he said, “A mistake would feel wrong, wouldn’t it? This doesn’t feel wrong to me.”

“It doesn’t feel wrong to me either,” Louis admitted, “No regrets, right?”

“None,” Harry smiled at him assuredly, “I wanted it, Louis. You wanted this too. And it was us. And it was good and perfect. I don’t regret it at all.”

“This whole week has felt like a series of the first right things we’ve done in awhile,” Louis adverted his gaze, focusing on a loose thread on the duvet.

“We should go check on the cookies, and clean up the kitchen before your mum gets back and skins as alive for the mess.”

Louis nodded, not wanting to move - scared of shattering this moment between them. He wasn’t ready for it to come to a close.

“Hey,” Harry reached up, tucking his hand into the hair at the back of Louis’ neck, “I meant what I said earlier today,” and without a moment of hesitation or doubt, Harry said as confidently as he could muster when sleepy from orgasm, “I love you, Louis. So much.”

Louis felt as though his heart was bursting in his chest. He had to take a moment to double check that Harry had actually said that, that he hadn’t just been imagining it. But Harry was staring up at him, glassy-eyed, dimple digging into his cheek. And Louis knew that not only had Harry said it, but that he’d meant every word.

“I love you too, Harry,” Louis said, feeling his throat tighten around the words as his eyes began to prickle and water, “So much.”

“Come on, let’s go check on the cookies and clean up.”

Harry swung himself out of the bed and pulled his clothes back on as Louis watched from the bed, stunned. He had no idea where they stood. He had no idea what was happening, but he knew that he loved Harry, and Harry loved him - and that nothing felt right apart from the two of them being in love and being together. 

“Hey,” Harry pulled Louis up from the bed, grabbing his face between his hands and kissing his lips, “Come on, babe.”

“Yeah, yeah. Right,” Louis nodded, still dazed. He followed Harry back downstairs and to the kitchen. The whole downstairs smelled of vanilla and spices. Louis’ mouth watered as Harry opened the oven and took out the cookies.

“Let these cool,” Harry instructed, “And by the time we’re all cleaned up, the cookies will be ready to eat and that’ll be our little incentive for cleaning up this mess.”

“Oh alright,” Louis pouted, getting a dish rag damp under the tap to begin mopping up some of the flour from the floor, “Though I don’t see how this is my fault, really.”

“What do you mean?” Harry asked, doing the same.

“I just don’t think I should have to clean this up is all.”

“What are you off about?” Harry raised a brow, “You’re the one who threw flour at me first.”

“Well yeah, but can I really be blamed for that? I mean, your curls were just asking for it.”

“Are you kidding?” Harry asked, affronted, “Louis.”

“I was under the influence of your curls, Curly. They kept saying ‘ _put flour in us, Louis. Please put flour in us, Louis._ ’ And I finally just snapped and did it. Can I really be blamed? It’s the fault of your cherub curls, really, H. Satan curls, more like.”

“God you’re a pain in the arse,” Harry shook his head fondly.

“Would you really have me any other way?” Louis asked.

“Absolutely not.”


	6. Chapter Six

Things were different after that. It was as if something had shifted between them. Louis couldn’t stop stealing little glances to Harry, only to find that Harry was already staring at him. And both would blush and turn away, shy smiles on their faces. Louis’ tummy seemed to be permanently filled with butterflies whenever he was around Harry, and even when he wasn’t. Even just the thought of Harry made his heart swell. It was as if he was falling in love with Harry Styles for the first time all over again. And Louis wasn’t going to make the same mistakes he’d made in the past. This time, he was going to hold on and never, ever let go.

They didn’t have sex again, but at night, they would lazily kiss, taking each other in as if memorizing the taste of their tongue, the feel of their lips. And they’d fall asleep and wake up in the mornings completely tangled in each other’s limbs. Louis was starting to get used to waking up with a mouthful of curls in his face.

Their days passed playing with the kids, teaching them the secrets to building the best pillow forts and watching movies with them by the roaring fire. Dinners were spent as a family, all laughing and talking and sharing stories. And it felt good and right. And Louis knew that this as it. This was what perfection felt like. And maybe perfection really wasn’t exactly perfect - there were still some bumps and bruises - but it was still beautiful. And Louis wanted this forever - wanted Harry by his side forever.

They still had yet to have The Talk. Louis assumed that would be coming when they were home alone together, after their holiday had come to an end. He had no idea what that talk would entail, what conclusion they’d come to. It terrified him a bit. He didn’t want to lose thing. He finally had Harry back, finally had himself back. He didn’t want to lose this amazing thing he’d been given a second taste of. It would kill him inside to lose it.

New Year’s Eve came, and Jay was preparing a big New Year’s Party for their family and friends. Harry and Louis did what they could to help out - Harry helped her with the food, and Louis helped Dan with getting the alcohol for the evening. He couldn’t shake the feeling of dread in the pit of his stomach though. Tomorrow, he and Harry would drive back to London and that would be the end of their holiday. He didn’t want this thing between them to have been just Christmas magic, like Harry had said. Harry had told him he was worried this was just a fluke, and Louis was starting to worry too. He didn’t want this beautiful thing to come to an end as soon as they got back to London. There was still so much he wanted to have and share with Harry - he wanted their whole lives together. That’s what he wanted. He wanted to move out of their current house, start fresh with a new place to live together, and a new outlook on their lives as a couple. He wanted to write and visit Harry at the bakery and just wanted Harry - all of Harry for all of his life. That’s what he wanted. And the next life, and the life after that too, while he was at it.

The New Year’s Party was a hit. So many of Jay and Dan’s friends had come out for the celebration, and Louis and Harry got to shake hands with people they hadn’t seen since last year. And as the clock neared midnight, Louis felt sicker and sicker. Because midnight meant New Year’s and New Year’s meant the end of their holiday. He grabbed a flute of champagne and headed out to sit on the porch for a moment, needing to clear his head from the excitement inside. He really didn’t want this to come to an end. But he had no idea if Harry felt the same. 

“Hey, there you are,” Harry appeared on the porch, a flute of champagne in his own hand, “I lost you for a second.”

“I just needed to come outside away from everything for a second.”

“Yeah, it’s pretty cramped in there,” Harry leaned against the porch next to Louis, “Tomorrow we go home, huh?” He asked, taking a sip of his own champagne.

“Yeah,” Louis nodded, staring down at his sneakers, “We should probably head off about ten, I think. That’ll give us some time to have breakfast and say goodbye to the kids.”

“Yeah,” Harry nodded, a sadness to his eyes.

“I’m really glad you came with me, Haz,” Louis said suddenly.

“Me too, Lou. It’s been fun.”

“And if you um…” Louis cleared his throat, “...if you want to come with me next year, you can.”

“I’d like that,” Harry nodded, “It’s been fun. I’ve enjoyed seeing the kids.”

“Yeah, they’re pretty great,” Louis kicked at some snow on the porch.

“I wanted to tell you,” Harry said brightly, “I um, I called a realtor today.”

“Oh.”

And with that one sentence, everything Louis had built up and come crashing down. He’d been a fool to think that this holiday had changed anything between them. They hadn’t even discussed being back together. He had let his hopes get up, and now Harry had just dashed them all to bits with that one sentence. Louis knew it had all been too good to be real. In spite of how much fun they’d had the last two weeks, Harry was still planning to move out. And Louis’ heart shattered at the thought. He couldn’t bare the thought of Harry leaving. They’d lived together for ten years. It didn’t deal real. It couldn’t be real. But it was. Harry was still planning to move out, and there was nothing more Louis could do. He’d tried fighting, he had. But it was a fight he’d already lost. There was nothing more he could do except let Harry go.

“Right,” Louis nodded, “A realtor. I’m um...I’m just going to go back inside now,” he attempted to push past Harry, but Harry stopped him with a hand on his shoulder.

“Louis...listen to me. I called a realtor because you said you wanted to find a place with me closer to the bakery - a fresh start. That’s why I called the realtor. Louis, if I’m moving out, it’s with you moving me.”

“Wait...what?” Surely Louis hadn’t heard him correctly. Surely not…

“I want to move with you, Louis. I want us to look for places together closer to the bakery. I want out of that house that has too many bad memories of this past year. I want a fresh start with you. I want a little house with a little garden and a yard for the kids to play in. I want a house with a study so you can work on your writing there. And like I said, the new year is a perfect time to look so…”

“You...you want to move...together?”

“Of course, silly,” Harry set his champagne flute aside, pulling Louis into a hug, “Where you go, I go. Where I go, you go. It’s as simple as that.”

“Does...does this mean...are we going to be okay, Harry?” Louis heart felt as though it was racing, he couldn’t even process what Harry was trying to tell him.

“Louis, these past few months, we lost sight of each other. We lost what was important. These last few weeks, we’ve gotten that back. We’re going to be okay, Louis. And it might not be easy, and it might not be perfect. But it’ll be us. And I want us, Louis. I want us forever and ever and always. I just...I want you and me and the house and the kids. I want our future, Louis. I want you by my side as we grow old together. I want you, all of you. For the rest of my life, I want you. What do you say?”

Louis set his champagne flute on the porch, wrapping both arms tightly around Harry and letting out a sob against Harry’s chest. This was real. They’d come through to the other side, and they were going to be okay. It was going to be Harry and Louis, together. Nothing was going to come between them ever again. Louis solemnly vowed that. For now though, he just needed to be held in his boy’s arms, breathing him, in this beautiful moment as they snow start to drift down around them.

“What do you say, Lou?” Harry asked, hand rubbing soft circles into Louis’ back, “What do you say?”

“I say,” Louis held Harry a little tighter, “Don’t let go, Harry. Don’t ever let go.”

“I’m not going to let go, Louis. Never, ever. Gonna hold onto you forever. Gonna hold onto you for the rest of my life.”

***

“Are you really going to start the drive without our music?” Harry asked, offended.

“Oops,” Louis put the car back in park in the driveway, “Alright, babe. What should we listen to?”

“Is that a question?” Harry dug out the Roadtrip Mix CD from the glovebox.

Louis couldn’t help but grin, snatching the CD and popping it into the player. He backed out of the driveway, as Harry waved goodbye to their home.

“I’m thinking next year, we should put up Christmas lights,” Harry said brightly.

“Ugh, why?” Louis groaned, “We aren’t even home for Christmas. And I know by ‘we’ you mean ‘me.’”

“It’ll look pretty,” Harry cooed longingly as he stared out the passenger window, “Some nice lights on the tree, maybe going around the garage door…”

“Fine,” Louis reached over and squeezed Harry’s knee, “I’ll put up some lights for you next year, Haz. But if I fall off a ladder and end up breaking my neck, I’ll murder you.”

Harry giggled and batted Louis’ hand away as he began tickling his knee, “Did you remember to get gas in the car?” Harry asked.

“Actually, yes,” Louis grinned proudly, returning his hand from Harry’s knee to the wheel, “Did that this morning.”

“Aww babe,” Harry cooed, “I’m impressed. Good to know we won’t have to end up pushing the car to Donny because you’ve run out of gas.”

“Like that has ever even happened,” Louis rolled his eyes, “Besides, if we ran out of gas, do you really think I’d make you push the car, precious?”

Harry blushed, “No.”

“That’s right,” Louis nodded firmly, “I checked traffic earlier. It should be about two hours and forty minutes to Donny.”

“Not bad,” Harry turned around to face the back seat, “Maybe Lucas will sleep the whole drive. Wouldn’t that be nice?”

Louis stopped at the red light, turning to face their baby son, sleeping peacefully in his car seat, “A Christmas miracle, I’d say,” Louis chuckled, “I’ll bet you a blow job that that kid wakes up screaming in about ten minutes.”

“Ha,” Harry smirked, reaching back to adjust Lucas’ blanket, “You’re on! Are we telling your mum tonight that the adoption papers have gone through for Lucy?”

“Hmm,” Louis reached over and squeezed Harry’s hand, “I was thinking we could wait and tell her on Christmas morning. Make it a whole Christmas gift for her. She’d love that sort of soppiness.”

“Sounds perfect,” Harry brought Louis’ hand to his lips to kiss his knuckles, “I love you, you know that, right?”

“Of course, baby. I love you too,” Louis said.

“You know, it’s funny. I was just thinking about last year. And about how last year at this time, we were driving to your parents and how sad I was thinking that that’d be my last Christmas with you all. I had no idea what the future held for us, Lou. And now...since then, we’ve gotten married, and we have a son, and we’re about to have a daughter. And you’re about to finish your first novel. And I just...I’m so incredibly happy, Lou.”

“Me too, baby. I think though, we always knew, deep down, we’d be okay. I mean, in my heart, I always just felt like we’d be okay. And remember what my mum said, about how she could just tell that we’re meant to work out. It’s you and me, Haz. And this has been such an incredible year, and I’m so happy that I’ve had you to share it with.”

“Your blow job bet was for Lucas crying, but did that bet say anything about me crying?” Harry chuckled, raising a knuckle to his eye to wipe at a tear.

“Nope, but tell you what. Tonight after everyone’s gone to sleep, you get a blow job anyway. Just cause you’re cute.”

Harry blushed, squirming slightly in the seat. Suddenly, the moment was broken as a loud cry resounded from the backseat. Harry groaned and reached around to try to soothe Lucas, while Louis chuckled.

“Well, Haz. Looks like we’re both getting bow jobs tonight then.”

Harry glowered at him, attempting to sooth Lucas by cooing to him. Louis couldn’t help but smile as he continued on down the road to Doncaster. He was going to spend Christmas with his family - his husband and his baby son, and Louis couldn’t fight the smile on his face if he tried.

 


End file.
